Dominance

Can I just tell you how nice it is to have the use of my right hand and arm back? Limited use, true, but I'll take it. If we're being completely truthful here, I had enough useful fingers to hunt and peck my way to a post yesterday but wasted all the use I had in my left ones by checking Pinterest before I came here. You heard correctly. I said left. I couldn't stand any more couch time by last night and switched the mouse to the left side. It worked but not as well as I'd hoped. I pretty much spent almost the whole time just right-clicking the shit out of everything and getting pissed off about it. It got me to thinking about a few of the other things that don't work well with anything but your dominant hand. In this case, my right. So, here's my top 5 list of things you shouldn't be doing with your left hand. (Unless you're already a lefty then just um, flip things around okay?)

Don't: 

 try to do your hair in a ponytail. You just end up pulling out more hair than you put in your scrunchy. Easier to leave it around your face in greasy clumps because you couldn't wash it properly either. I hear the hopeless drunk look is coming back in style anyway.

eat anything more complicated than yogurt. Unless you wear a bib. Or get your Mom to come over and feed you. You'll just end up with a lap(table, couch, floor) full of cheerios or whatever. Trust me, if you do manage to get something as fancy as a sandwich made, once you get it cut into manageable pieces it will look like you pre-chewed it to save time and you won't want to eat it anymore.

get bored and try to drive yourself to the dollar store. Sure, you'll manage fine with one hand until you get to the roundabout and then you're pretty much hosed. I'm sure the nice lady in the Toyota didn't plan on wetting herself out of fear when it looked unlikely you would pull off anything but landing yourself in the median. With her in your lap. I think if the city wanted those flowers taken out they would have planted them in the middle of the road dumb ass. 

brush your teeth. You might feel like you're doing at least some kind of good until you're in the oral surgeon's office explaining that no, you weren't really drunk. Just right handed.

skip the bra to make dressing simpler. The FedEx man at the door valiantly trying to keep his lunch down won't appreciate it and neither will you when you see the black eyes and bruised knees from every time you jumped up to get the phone.