ABC's of...CRAP!

I decided that I had better get this ABC thingy done since Emily tagged me and I don't want her to hit or yell at me again. Here it is:

A- Attached or single: I prefer to keep all of my limbs attached, thanks you.
B- Best Friend: my pimp
C-Cake or Pie: Whatev. As long as it's not the kind with chocolate ex-lax.
D-Day: When the voices in my head stop screaming.
E- Essential Item: Edible underwear.
F-Favorite Color: The color of love and tenderness and fluffy baby bunnies.
G-Gummi Bears or Worms: gummy rats
H-Home town: Crazyopolis, on the corner of passive aggressive and overly emotional.
I- Indulgences: just a little crack smokin'
J- January or July?: What's so great about those? Why can't it be March vs September-or-The 17th of May vs the 13th of Nov.? Huh? Jerks.
K-Kids: Evil. Like the Devil.
L-Life is incomplete without: Coke/Pepsi and a nice set of matching back fat.
M- Marriage Date: All Hallows Eve.
N- Number of Siblings: I need a clarification here. Are we talking the ones my Mom gave birth to or the ones that I actually claim?
O- Oranges or Apples: Haven't you ever heard of fruit salad you elitist sob's?
P- Phobias or Fears: Mismatched paper colors, women that shave their armpits and legs, large chunks of cheese.
Q- Quote: "I wanna go pet the wounded goat!"
R- Reason To Smile: I haven't wet my pants again today.
T- Tag Three: If I had known we were playing tag, I would have worn different shoes.
U- Unknown Fact About Me: My sense of humor is painful to everyone but me and could possibly indicate mental instability. Surprise!
V- Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animal: Oppressor of animals-totally. PETA has been trying to get me to free my herd of pack kittens and puppies for years. I always lose a few each spring when we head up the mountain with all of my supplies.
X-Rays or Ultrasounds: I didn't know we got to just choose.
Y-Your favorite food: Jello shots,Tainted meat sandwiches and medium rare chicken-basted with sun brewed mayonaise.
Z: Zodiac Sign: Restroom For Customers Only.

Oh, Woe

In keeping with the Master Plan of weeping and wailing and knashing of teeth, I submit my first(hopefully lucrative) tales of woe. Here are all of my reasons to be depressed this week. In list form of course-Why be original?

I managed to consume 56 ounces of Coke/Pepsi day before yesterday.

Turner heard me call her teacher a, well, a bad name. Let's leave it at that-shall we?

I just listened to a Billy Squire song. Yes, the whole thing. On purpose. No, it wasn't The Stroke.

I have been praying for David Archuleta to fall off of the American Idol stage and land on Paula Abdul. I don't even watch that show and I am unbelievably sick of him. Even if he is from Utah, do we really want to root for someone that could turn even an AC/DC song into elevator music if he sang it?

I made notes on scrapbook projects all through Relief Society yesterday. And then left early so I didn't have to listen to the testimonies. Hell, anyone?

I made fun of a really clueless lady at work. And enjoyed it.

I don't have matching towels in my bathroom. And won't have in the near future.

My neck resembles that of a turkey so much that I can rent myself out as a decoy during hunting season.

I deliberately avoided fulfilling my church calling this week because I. Didn't. Want. To. Once again, Hell anyone?

I can just feel the crushing depression lifting. Thanks for listening. After staring at the ceiling all night I'm sure I'll have a new list and will need your compassionate shoulder to cry on tomorrow.

Cash, checks and money orders are accepted.

The Plan

The other day I saw this bit on the news about some chick here in Utah that has a blog that is pretty famous. She has even been on Good Morning America(woo woo!) or something. Well the story is that she was always depressed and crap and blogging helped her turn her life around. She used to be a member of the church but now she hates it because apparently we are all a bunch of judgmental jerks that won't ever support depressed people because it means you are evil or something. And her parents are mean and didn't like it and blah blah blah. But NOW she has her own website and she and her hubby live on the income that she gets from it. Oy. I feel like an idiot because all of these years whenever I have had a hard time I just figured out a way to deal and didn't make the world suffer with me. Man am I stupid. So- I have a new plan. I am abandoning the whole bad poems and rambling drivel blog. I am going to be sad and whiny about eveything and all of you are going to send me money. Thats right. From now on it's boo hoo all of the time. Except when I am counting my cash, obviously. Of course this chick doesn't just blog about depressed crap all of the time anymore but I need to start out the same way she did to get the goods in the end. Maybe I'll get lucky and my blog will get me fired fom my job like hers did and then I won't have to deal with the fact that I am mostly going to hell because of some of the things that I say and think about most of the people there. Wow. That last sentence was a doozy. Do they give out prizes for most rambly run on sentence? Thank (boo) you (hoo) for (waaa) your (waaa) support. That will be five dollars please.