Warning: Some content not suitable for optimists

In keeping with the fast approaching holiday, I wanted to make sure I took the opportunity to wish Happy Mother's Day! to all of the suckers out there living in Goody Goody Gumdrops Land who think it's a great chance for your family to show you how much they TRULY appreciate all you do. To all of the realists out there who know that it's REALLY a made up day for your family to have a cheap way to keep you in line so you'll keep being the family bi... (well, lets just say whipping boy-this is a family show after all) and pretend to understand how much you do and then feel better about themselves the rest of the year when they take you for granted, I hear you sister-kudos for keepin' it real. And to all of you suckers, well, call me when you tell yourself the truth. We'll talk. It'll be okay.

Just a thought for a good day...

As I load my little pillow and blankie into the wheelbarrow so that I can curl up into a ball in the corner of the leaky shed, the thought occurs to me-that guy in India that was caught selling of his kid-he's not a bad guy-he's just a whole lot smarter than I am.

The fear

Well, I may as well confess. I have been doing the bare minimum (no, not wearing the bare minimum you perv. That's just gross.) amount of laundry that I can get away with and still have mostly dressed children. As you can imagine, it is pretty ugly down in the pit of hell (aka the laundry room). Earlier, I was doing the big sort. You know the big sort. The sort you have to do just to find the washing machine before you actually SORT the laundry. Anyway, I had been trying to sort as quickly as possible so it was awhile before I noticed I had been doing something no one should EVER do. I had been touching all of the underwear that was mixed in with the other clothes and I wasn't ONLY TOUCHING IT BY THE WAISTBAND!!! Oh dear, now THE FEAR sets in and the questions begin. What if I touched the stinky butt part? How many times? What if it had been in somebody's crack? Did they sweat? Did I touch anything before I washed my hands? Should I wash my hands again? Can you boil your hands? I smell something odd. Is it my hands? What if everybody can tell? Why is everyone staring at me? Can they tell I now suffer from butt-finger? Will I be ever be able to eat again? How am I going to sort the rest of the laundry? How long would it take if I used tongs? Do my fingers look a little green?
This is what I get for making fun of all of the little quirks that my sisters inherited from the parents that I seem to have escaped. Karma sucks. So does laundry. I have to stop typing now. My fingers are cramping up from trying to type through the oven mitts.

Complaint of the day

I just watched the movie Appaloosa. It has Ed Harris, Viggo Mortensen and Renee Zellwegger(sp?) in it. It was one of the most boring movies I have ever seen. Tim said he wanted to check it out and I like the guy that wrote the book it was based on and it got decent reviews so I thought, why not? Bad call. The older Renee Zellwegger gets the more and more she looks like a deranged chipmunk. By the end of the movie I was hissing and throwing my arm up in front of me like Dracula being exposed to sunlight every time she came on. I thought I could handle Viggo Mortensen but I was wrong. Have you ever noticed how beady his eyes are? Just like a little accountant. The only reason he looked good in the LOTR was because his hair and beard helped hide them (that, and who wouldn't look more manly and attractive next to the half girl Orlando Bloom?). The last straw was Jeremy Irons. I forgot he was in it. He is so stringy and creepy. Lest you think I am judging him harshly, let me direct you to a little movie called Damages. Ugh. Actually, I lied. The LAST straw was the lame story and meandering plotting and the stupid dialogue. The only reason I am not as irritated as I could be is that I at least got all of Tim's stupid 100% cotton work shirts ironed for the week while we were trapped by this drivel for 2 hours. And no- I couldn't just turn it off. Tim wouldn't let me. I asked.

This fun sounding thingy

I saw this on Krysta's blog and thought it sounded like fun. I just copied and pasted it from her blog(thanks for the free labor Krys!). I made a few minor adjustment though. I didn't title it Pay It Forward because that movie sucked. Also, you have to be one of the first three to leave a comment complimenting me on my supreme back fat to get your crappy prize. Admit it, if I make it-it will be crooked and smell like old cheese. Do this, all of my blogging friends!

1. Be one of the first THREE bloggers to leave a comment on this post and it entitles you to a handmade item from me (hooray for handmade!).

2. If you are one of the first three to make a comment, you are a winner! And you then agree to post this challenge on your own blog, meaning that you will pay it forward, creating a handmade gift -anything!- for the first THREE bloggers who leave a comment on YOUR post about this giveaway!

3. The gift that you send to your 3 friends can be from any price range and you have 365 days to make/ship your item. Remember it’s the spirit and the thought that count!

4. When you receive your gift, blog about it! If you are not one of the first three to comment on this post, you can still play along. Go ahead and start your own Pay It Forward chain, and encourage your blogging friends to do the same! It's all about paying it forward. Enjoy!!!!!!!!

25 dumb boring things

I got tagged with this thing on facebook. It's full of stuff you should already know. After you are done, you are supposed to tag 25 more people but I am such a losser that I don't have that many friends. That is why I pasted it over here and now I am tagging all of you! Ha ha! It's too late. You've already read this so, get to it!

1. I love Coke/Pepsi/Mt. Dew whatever (Tim calls it the drink of life) more than my children on some days and, when very stressed, can consume mind boggling amounts of the stuff.
2. Mean people are funny.
3.I looove Nascar and can't even stand it when I miss all of the pre-race qualifying stuff that takes place days before the actual race.
4. I have a longstanding crush on Hugh Laurie and a new one on Mark Harmon. I like 'em mean, scruffy, ornery and talented apparently.
5. I love to scrapbook, paper craft etc... and would do it non-stop of I could manage it.
6.I read at least a couple of books a week and I read almost every kind of book I can get my hands on. Yes, even trashy romances. Some of them make me laugh so hard and you can read them in a couple of hours-what's not to love?
7. I listen to almost everything from Willie Nelson to AC/DC. Even Rap. I'm not a wuss like Annie. Go Public Enemy!
8. After all those years of complaining about Pleasant Grove, I love living in my little small town.
9. I curse like a truck driving sailor. In front of everybody but my sister Carey and my Dad and my perfect Bro.
10. I don't do strangers or even people I don't know well. (I also don't "do" strangers either but that's another list) I still don't know the name of my neighbor to the south of us and we have lived here almost 5 years. This is probably why I have had the same friends forever.
11. I still miss cigarettes on occasion and I still don't think they smell bad but don't tell my kids.
12. Just like Annie, I love coffee but, unlike Annie, I am pretty sure I am going to hell anyway so I drink it all the time.
13. I am a fiend with grammar but it goes completely by the wayside when I write a letter or e-mail or blogpost or something. Then I am the queen of run on sentences and the like.
14. I talk too much and have a tendency to ramble. Loudly. Even when I am talking to myself.
15. I hate Christmas.
16. I am hands down the dumbest person in my family. I know people say that but it's true. I bet my husband has got 20 points on me and my kids are even worse than that.
17. I am a pop-culture junkie and have an embarrassing amount of really useless (unless you're playing trivial pursuit) crap stored in my noggin'.(hmmm...this might help explain my lack of extra I.Q. points)
18. I have been a night owl for as long as I can remember and would still stay up until 4 in the morning and sleep until one in the afternoon if I could work it out.
19. Even if I have had 10 hours of sleep the night before, I am utterly useless before noon and don't really hit my stride until 4 or 5 p.m.
20. I am a horrible procrastinator.
21. Even if I won a million dollars tomorrow, I would still not get a cell phone until Turner made me. I haven't missed mine once.
22. I think Mystery Science Theater 3000 is one of the best things ever and probably quote it at least several times a day.
23. I am not one of those people that thought they were destined for motherhood. I wasn't even sure I wanted kids until, well, until I found out I was preggers. I am pretty sure that my kids got hosed in that department and if it weren't for their awsome father they'd be therapist bound wrecks.
24. I don't get embarrased that easily.
25. Hate Hate Shoes. I wear flip flops all year long(even to church) and only own two completely closed toed pairs of shoes. Yes-my feet are like pale leather.

Sorry

When you are a poor, jobless loser (like me) and you are slightly allergic to housecleaning (like me), it turns out you have some time on your hands. So-I will occasionally click on the blog of note when I am logging in to mine. You know-for curiosity sake if nothing else. I came across one called Clever Girl Goes Blog and then followed a few from her blog. Well, it also turns out that I am not smarty pants enough by half to be writing a blog. This is my apology to any of you who might have accidentally read some of my blog instead of one of the other ones that are so clever clever toilet lever.



I am sorry that:


I never refer to my husband as "the hubs"

I don't have a BFF main gay to write silly stories about and with whom to watch lame t.v. shows

I don't rant endlessly about my political obsessions

I don't compare my life to 80's movies like Sixteen Candles and the Breakfast Club

I don't obsess about how many people read my blog and why

I don't blog in nothing but one inch wide stream of consciousness blog entries

I don't post pictures of my dog, cat , parrot, fish, hamster etc... daily and then give them cutesy names and blog about their tummy troubles

I assume you don't want to hear about my hemorrhoids, hysterectomy, kidney stones, erectile dysfunction etc.. and therefore don't blog about it.

I don't write dark, intense, belly button gazing blog entries about how hard it is to be so cool

I have only posted one poem on my blog-apparently, I should be only blogging in poetry form

I am sure there are many more blogging transgressions for which I need to apologize but I need to go post some really embarrassing videos of me dancing to the Backstreet Boys or something to My Space now. Let me know what I missed and we'll get it next time.

Merry

As I survey (with my rheumy, cold virus encrusted eye) the wreckage that was, just a short time ago, my living room, I feel the urgent need to wish a Happy Holiday to all of you fruitcakes out there who are still into that crap. It's probably the huge amounts of mucus and fluid filling up my lungs and making me woozier with every labored breath that makes me want to do this. Be grateful-because this is probably all you're gettin' due the fact that I haven't been able to talk since Saturday and have been so out of it I never made it to the post office with my stupid Christmas cards. Merry frickin' Christmas everybody.

An Open Letter

Dear Christmas (and intrepid sidekick Winter Snow),

It was not too long ago that I would eagerly anticipate your

arrival and, by the same token find myself to be crestfallen

when it was time for you to take your sabbatical from

our lives. But, for some time now I have found you to be

extremely tiresome and to have permanently worn out

your welcome. I feel I would be remiss if I did not; with

the same enthusiasm with which I used to herald your

arrival, invite you(and usual accoutrement) to jump up my

flabby white butt.

With fervent hope that you be immediately replaced with

Valentine's Day and a cooling Autumn rain forever-

Sincerely,

your former friend-Shauna

Update

Well, when life knocks you down and kicks you in the teeth with it's steel toed boots and then stomps on your kidney when you roll over-you don't get your blog updated because you are too busy spitting blood out onto the pavement. So-I am updating my blog for all of the naggers out there(Emily). Life sucks and then you die. Usually slowly and painfully and with poop in your pants because nobody will help you to the bathroom and with no pain meds to help you through because you are too poor to buy any and County General kicked you out and won't give you any more. So there.