Tuesday, April 1, 2008

I'm crushing

In the great tradition of bloggers everywhere I submit to you my list of go to boyfriends. The guys I am crushing on right now: (in no particular order)
Sorry, I am way too lazy to go find pics. So- you're on your own there.
The long, stringy grease mop on his head is just the icing on the cake. How could you say no to a dirty wife beater, elvis shades and the smell of old cheese, gym socks and cigars? Plus, you know he'll probably make you ramen noodles before you go out and score a 40 of Natural Light at the 7-11.
I saw a picture of him a while back and he is still lookin' pretty good for his age! He probably won't even notice if you take his car for a spin while he is down for his second daily nap. I sure can think of a few things to keep us occupied in between hip replacement surgeries! Two words: Ben Gay.
Maybe if I prove how much I love his morning breath smelling of cigs, vodka and beef jerky with a touch of Goldschlager, he'll let me scratch under his bandana wig of a nice Friday night.
The fact that he used to be a drug dealing pimp just adds to the appeal. It turns me on to always be wondering-If I object to the fact that he reeks of old smoked out bongs and never piks out his nappy fro, am I gonna get smacked upside the head?
With his sallow skin and that wild, slightly off look in his eyes-how can you go wrong? I love it when he smiles to show off those enormous choppers. At any minute he could lose it and just start chomping away on my arm and then lecture me on the evils of anti-depressants while he spits out bits of cartilage. Thrilling.
Despite the fact that I can't stand to watch the newest incarnation of his show, he is still on my list. You know he never removes his shiny grillz to brush so there are probably tidbits of food and cheap champagne residue to discover every time you kiss him. Every time I look at him I can just feel his skin under my fingertips. Mmmmm-just like a slightly greasy, bumpy leather armchair.


petersons said...

I just laughed. I love Tom Cruise okay?! I guess it figures...If I ran into Jordan Knight from NKOTB today I'd still get a little turned on.

Anonymous said...

Your discriptions of your main men are right on target! OOOOOHHH BABY!

KrystaLyn said...

K...When I read your description of Flavor Flav, I threw up a little in my mouth.