Crap Wars

I finally decided to check out Craft Wars on TLC and see what all the fuss is about.

After watching the better part of 5 episodes of what turns out to be mostly a 43 minute Michael's commercial, I'm still trying to figure that one out. 

If you have yet to watch it, here is your 

Craft Wars Primer 

to keep the unpleasant surprises to a minimum for when you finally do get sucked in:

The judges alternate between creepy or really lame and Tori Spelling is even more so.

 I could develop my own little drinking game based on how many times per show the judges tell the contestants what they would have done instead of just judging what was actually done or when the one guy judge smiles at the contestants like he's just bursting to tell them about the bag of candy and lost puppy he's been saving for them out in his windowless van. Bonus shots for every time it's painfully obvious Tori Spelling is reading her "spontaneous" comments and questions, every time the Michael's "creative director"(You can't miss her. She's the one that I'm pretty sure wants to take you home and dress you in the same outfits as her multitudinous cats) casually mentions something is available at Michael's and when you're pretty sure Tori Spelling is finally going to sweep everything off of the tables and start screaming "No wire hangers!" at everyone. The game is immediately over and a winner is declared if someone can pinpoint the exact moment when any of the contestants realizes that they should have established a "safe word" before filming began. (A 2 drink penalty will be assessed if you get it wrong and and the person you chose is one of the contestants with crazy eyes that forgot the safe word years ago and are obviously okay with that.)

Speaking of contestants, I have only seen 2 or 3 so far that could be safely trotted out in polite society. The rest speak like they have had one too many shock treatments, look like they had been dressed by their 3 year old niece and/or had spent most of their lives misinterpreting her meaning every time Mom said they were "special". Also, make sure you don't miss the start of the show when they introduce these people.(That is if you can survive Tori Spelling in that red dress staring out of the screen like the hypno-toad). I dare you to keep yourself from exclamations such as "ugh!" "whaaaat?" and "gluuurgh!" as the pictures of their crafts roll past. Most of the "master crafters" are so unappealing that by the middle of the episode, the debate turns from "who do we like this time?" to "which one of these people can we root against the least?".

Let's not even get started with the actual crafts that they turn out or we'll be here for days. I know they have time constraints and other challenges to overcome but, really. I mean REALLY?!? The winner on the very first episode I watched produced a Christmas wreath that looked like it had been put together by Edward Scissorhands. In a poorly lit room. After he had been diagnosed with severe color blindness. I won't even go into the appeal of their final crafts. That can be a fun present for you to unwrap when you're desperate for entertainment. Or too drunk to care what you watch.

And here's the worst part:
I can't stop myself from watching the damned thing.
I feel the same watching this as I do when I stoop to watching old Nanny 911 episodes. I know I'm a crappy Mom but when I watch Nanny 911 I can sit on the couch and tell myself, "you're not doing so badly, at least the kids don't spit on you and poop in their beds!". Craft Wars, to me, is the Nanny 911 for crafting. Next time I struggle with how one of my projects turned out, I can comfort myself with the fact that I have yet to induce group seizures at the senior citizens center with my "art".
To my knowledge anyway.