Merry Christmas!?!

Ahhh, Christmas. That magical holiday. Also one of my favs as you may well know. Now that we have made it through the all important CHRISTMAS MORNING, I have had time to reflect on what makes Christmas so great. In no particular order, my little list of the best holiday traditions-

The annual doing of the Christmas laundry because you haven't had time to do anything normal for a week.

Being forced to listen until your ears bleed to Christmas music sung by talentless hacks that are only trying to cash in on the holidays.

The annual fighting of the children when the lack of sleep kicks in.

The annual cursing at the children because you stayed up until 2:00 a.m. wrapping presents and filling socks and you're too tired to take their crap.

The annual picking up of the approximately 50,000 pices of trash all over the house.

The annual cleaning of the Kitten puke because you inevitably miss a few hundred or so and they decided it looked like something to choke on.

The annual paranoia from knowing the dog got at least 2 pieces of chocolate that the kids left around and is going to have diarrhea in the most inconvenient place possible.

The annual running out of ibuprofen due to the fact that you've had a month-long headache.

The annual nervous breakdown brought on by your 4:00 sugar crash and REALLY needing that promised nap that never materialized.

The 7 1/2 pounds you gained by managing to eat nothing but chocolate and/or cookies for breakfast and lunch for the last week. 

The annual fist-fight of the children when the second wind wears off and they realize they hate each other.

The annual crying of the children when the 4:30 sugar crash hits and they realize you have ruined their life by not caring unless they can show you copious amounts of blood.

The annual reconciling of the Christmas bills.

and last but not least,

The annual realization that you have to do it ALL again in 12 short months.

Rant

Team Edward or Team Jacob. Hmmm. Really people? This is the best you've got? So, I have to choose between the pasty, malnourished British guy that usually looks(and I'm positive smells) like he slept under a box at the train station or some barely legal supposed stud muffin with more teeth than two horses put together and probably a propensity to bite you with 'em because he's just out of the nursery. Both of which are supposed to be running after one of the homeliest people on screen today(we won't even mention the case of oral diarrhea she can't quite shake.) Oh. Oh Wow. Maybe we should add a peg-legged pirate with 3 teeth and oh, I don't know, an asthmatic twelve year old chess wiz to the line up to make it even harder to pick. I know, I know, since I AM a woman of a certain age, I am supposed to be running after these boys like they're hiding estrogen pills in their underwear or something but I just can't work it up. Sorry. You're on your own. Can we have a third team? How about Team I am going to puke on your shoes if I have to hear any more Twilight crap. And, since we have to have 2 teams how about Team Stephanie Meyer shouldn't come out to play until she has taken a writing class or two. Now those are some teams I can get behind.

Damn you Katy Perry and your irresistible pop hooks!!!

Pop Quiz

Showering by the light of one not very bright, kinda crappy candle is:

A. a good way to break your leg
B. better than a party
C. a good way to still be dirty at the end of a shower
D. making the best of a bad situation
E. a good way to burn down the house
F. all of the above

Earth Day

New Earth Day policy: Every time someone tries to shove more political tree hugging Earth day crap down my throat, I am going to go out directly and kick a tree. Really hard. Sorry Earth. I actually do believe in taking care of you and all but you shouldn't be so damned pushy about it.

Sweet

It's an incredible, journal worthy moment when the realization washes over you that you have created the nuturing kind of home environment that FBI profilers tag as being perfect for raising serial killers.

What

Up at three to help bundle the kids into the car for their trip out west. Now that Tim has taken the kids off to the land of sun and morons (excepting the in-laws of course), I find myself in a pickle. If it's 4:30 in the morning and you can't sleep and you've got the house to yourself, what do you do? Do I watch Rutger Hauer harangue Mathew Broderick in the last half of Ladyhawke? Try to catch all of the tattooed freaks on True Life: I'm Bisexual on MTV? Do I start on the DumDums until all 50 or so are gone just because no will know that I did? Do I eat boiled eggs and old bananas until they're gone because no one else is here to do it for me? Do I clean the kitchen even though I would have to invite the neighbors over so that I had witnesses to that fact that I actually did housework? Do I take all of the quizzes on Facebook so that I'll finally know what Smurf I am and whether or not I'm a true american/utahn/80's trivia genius? What to do? What to do? I guess I'll go lay on the couch and stare at the ceiling until it comes to me. Because I can.

Ahhh. Summer.

Now that we have a couple weeks of summer under our belts, I thought I would let you all know how awsome ours has been. Of course it's been great. Everyone knows my favorite thing to do is to be trapped in the house with all 4 of the kids for 10 weeks. Hopefully yours is going along as well as ours. But, if you're not sure, I have jotted down a few things that I have noticed along the way to help you out. Not from my experience obviously. Someone else's.

8 signs you and/or your children might not make it to the end of summer:

-You're pretty sure someone has tacked on at least 3 more days at the end of the week to make it longer.

-You've managed to spend more than the GNP of Zimbabwe consuming Pepsi/Coke products.

-Your children think you've developed chronic diarrhea because they have found you locked in the bathroom at least four times before lunch.

-You've already pulled into a gas station and told at least 50% of your children to get out of the *#@&*#@!! car and find another way home.

-You start to think your homeschooling neighbor isn't just someone who makes "interesting choices" but seems to be a dangerous lunatic that should be avoided and needs to seek immediate mental help.

-Even your backfat thinks you've been eating way too much chocolate for breakfast.

-You fall down more than twice while putting on your pants due to the fact that you've been getting dressed in the closet with the door shut so your kids can't tell if you're awake.

-You feign a knee/hip/ankle injury so that you have a legitimate reason not to investigate where all of the screaming is coming from. Again.

Warning: Some content not suitable for optimists

In keeping with the fast approaching holiday, I wanted to make sure I took the opportunity to wish Happy Mother's Day! to all of the suckers out there living in Goody Goody Gumdrops Land who think it's a great chance for your family to show you how much they TRULY appreciate all you do. To all of the realists out there who know that it's REALLY a made up day for your family to have a cheap way to keep you in line so you'll keep being the family bi... (well, lets just say whipping boy-this is a family show after all) and pretend to understand how much you do and then feel better about themselves the rest of the year when they take you for granted, I hear you sister-kudos for keepin' it real. And to all of you suckers, well, call me when you tell yourself the truth. We'll talk. It'll be okay.

Just a thought for a good day...

As I load my little pillow and blankie into the wheelbarrow so that I can curl up into a ball in the corner of the leaky shed, the thought occurs to me-that guy in India that was caught selling of his kid-he's not a bad guy-he's just a whole lot smarter than I am.