It is already well into the afternoon and I have accomplished exactly squat.
Unless you count drinking copious amounts of coffee and wasting copious amounts of time via la world wide web, which I don't.
Okay, I did clean the tub and take a bath. Since the neighbors that passed around the last petition will count that, I guess I will too. So, one down and fifteen thousand other things to go.
Whoopie for me.
Besides getting the local dog population to leave me alone, my bath did accomplish one other thing. It occurred to me that if I can hear everything the upstairs neighbors say when they're in their bathroom, they have probably been listening with amusement and likely horror when I sing songs from Beauty and the Beast in the shower. And secondly, (so there are 2. So what.) I had some time to get in some good pondering before the water got cold. Mostly (especially if you don't count the usual David Hasselhoff themed items) on what my computer had to offer this morning:
Firstly, I can't figure out why this isn't the most popular website out there. Not kidding. I'm going to stop all other web related shenanigans until I experience every single combo this site has to offer. Don't be ridiculous-OF COURSE that includes paying bills. Ain't nobody got time for that. Don't worry, this isn't going to turn into page after page of me demanding you go look at crap you don't think is funny. I just think we should send all of our money to them so that they can't go away. Ever.
What has been on my mind the most is all of the scuttlebutt going around Facebook regarding my upcoming 20th high school reunion. I was just looking at the website that they set up for it.
Gawking in fascinated horror would probably be a more accurate description.
After taking a good look at my senior picture, I have come to three conclusions.
1- I have the EXACT SAME hairstyle as back then. It's just thinner and shorter.
2-A more accurate name for the website would have been www.heyfattassjustlookathowfaryouhavefallen.com. At least I would have been a little more prepared.
They are also asking for a little snippet about what you have been doing with your life for the last 20 (20!!!) years.
This begs the questions-how much info is too much?
What comprises a snippet exactly?
Do I mention my prison term? The love child with Danny Devito? The fact that I have 43 naked Cabbage Patch dolls under my bed? The hoard of Mega Stuff Oreos in my nightstand drawer?
That last one was a trick question of course.
I think anybody taking a good look at me can guess at the partial cause as to why I thought my hairstylist was trimming a giant, horribly misshapen potato when she turned me to the mirror during my haircut on Monday.
But really-putting all of this aside leaves the biggest question of all:
Should I go?
Besides chicken cordon bleu that can be made gluten free (I always order mine with extra gluten), they're threatening us with door prizes and "other goodies".
Does this mean I'm going to show up only to be awarded the prize for overall saggiest body? Most likely to have raised a foul-mouthed serial killer? Closest resemblance to a hairy pork roast? Wobbliest underarms?
There will also be a photographer.
Maybe I can get him to take enough pictures to be able to not only count all of my extra chins, but also get one that makes people ask why Jabba the Hut was in our graduating class.
Not to mention whether or not
I can forgive all of the skinny bitches that don't look any worse for wear long enough to get through the night? For that matter, can I forgive the boys in my English class that thought I didn't know anything about football because I was a girl? You know who you are you sexist pigs. Okay, you probably don't because you got a life a few years ago but just give me this alright?
Maybe I should take my penny jar to the bank instead.
That 29 dollars could be the start of my "forget a facelift, a whole body lift is more like it" savings account.
So much pondering. I guess I had better go get back in the bath.