Merry

As I survey (with my rheumy, cold virus encrusted eye) the wreckage that was, just a short time ago, my living room, I feel the urgent need to wish a Happy Holiday to all of you fruitcakes out there who are still into that crap. It's probably the huge amounts of mucus and fluid filling up my lungs and making me woozier with every labored breath that makes me want to do this. Be grateful-because this is probably all you're gettin' due the fact that I haven't been able to talk since Saturday and have been so out of it I never made it to the post office with my stupid Christmas cards. Merry frickin' Christmas everybody.

An Open Letter

Dear Christmas (and intrepid sidekick Winter Snow),

It was not too long ago that I would eagerly anticipate your

arrival and, by the same token find myself to be crestfallen

when it was time for you to take your sabbatical from

our lives. But, for some time now I have found you to be

extremely tiresome and to have permanently worn out

your welcome. I feel I would be remiss if I did not; with

the same enthusiasm with which I used to herald your

arrival, invite you(and usual accoutrement) to jump up my

flabby white butt.

With fervent hope that you be immediately replaced with

Valentine's Day and a cooling Autumn rain forever-

Sincerely,

your former friend-Shauna