Helpful Hints

As I gird up my loins (because really, nobody wants to see me with ungirded loins at my age) to go work my final shift at FMN(Forget Me Not), I have been reflecting on my experiences at the store as it was re-opened this week and here at home as I have started to deal with the shift back to a useless member of society. In the last 2 weeks I have learned a few things that I thought I should share. No, not because I am a shameless TMI(to much information) kind of person but because I am a selfless, caring kind of person that is willing to tell you these things in the hope of helping others. While wallowing in JLD(jobless loser depression-keep up with the acronyms people!) I have discovered:

Mainlining Wild Cherry Pepsi does help(albiet temporarily).

If it's on sale, people will do anything to get it.

Randomly cursing at inanimate objects around the house is always a good time and a nice stress reliever to boot.

Cheap frozen pizza is your friend.

It IS possible to play the PS2 until your hands cramp and you almost wet your pants and not feel like you have hit rock bottom.

Your husband will only tolerate so much whining and dirty dish avoiding before you find yourself locked out of the house.

ALL scrapbookers are a little off (yeah, me too).

THIS is why I wish Summer and all of it's attending irritations would crawl in a hole and DIE!

Kids WILL eat peanut butter sandwiches twice a day if you don't shower very frequently and look very very mean.

Also, if it's on sale, it will instantly seem 50 times more desirable than it was before.

Comparing your neighbors to the devil is not going to get you very far; heaven wise.

You CAN listen to Public Enemy with the volume at 75 and not go completely deaf.

After a certain amount of time as a JL, hookers do start to seem more just like creative entrepeneurs-you must remind yourself -THIS IS NOT TRUE!

After gaining all that Pepsi weight, you don't look so good in spandex hot-pants anyway.

There actually are whack-jobs out there that want to spend a mint on a huge die-cut machine and dies. These people should be avoided. They are crazier (and richer) than you.

When someone calls and asks you to be the Neighborhood Watch block leader-I don't care how much Coke you have had-just say NO!

That's all for now. I am positive there will be more. If you find even one or two hints helpful then my sharing will not have been in vain.

Hey buddy, can you spare a dime?

So- it is with a heavy heart (and rear end) that I come to you tonight. I am officially jobless it seems. No- surprisingly enough, Rita didn't finally get fed up and give me the axe. Rita finally got fed up and is giving the whole store the axe. I am a little sadder than I thought I would be. (Though, obviously not too sad to be watching some 30ish crackhead on Intervention(on A&E) admit to his parents that he hasn't showered in 5 weeks and then get on his bike and speed over to one of his girlfriends house because she just bought $100 worth of crack. Did I mention the girlfriend appears to be betwen 60-70? Yum.) Anyway, as I was saying, how often do you find a job that you look forward to going to? One where even a bad day is a good day if you know what I mean. I don't think those kinds of jobs wander by with much frequency. This begs the question: Now that I am a jobless loser, what next? Am I psychotic enough to work at the Post Office like Tim wants me to? Do I go on the dole and start panhandling on the weekends? Do I embrace my unemployed state, eat Cheetos and watch t.v. from my couch until I become fused to it and have to be trucked out of my living room? Is is still profitable to shake down hookers on State Street? Is there any possible way to sue one of my former co-workers for sexual harrassment and win?(I'm thinking lewd notes in the back room here. What do you think?) With my supreme back-fat; is stripping even an option anymore? Do I just throw myself on the mercy of my husband despite the fact that I am now not pulling my weight? (except when I occasionally get off of the couch) Ah me, so many things to ponder, so little brain power. I'm off to bed to think (drink?) myself to sleep. I suspect I will find sleep a little elusive tonight with so many wonderful options in front of me. (well that and the fact that I just watched half of Wildest Dating Show Moments on E! and I can't stop throwing up in my mouth yet.)

P.S. Of course the smelly crackhead went to rehab. Don't lie. I know you've been wondering. No, they didn't make him shower before they put him on the cross country flight. Love it.

Okay

Whatever.