Sunday, July 8, 2012

Not so Magical Mike

I just got back from seeing the movie Magic Mike. If you don't know what that is, you need to watch more television or spend more time on Pinterest. Possibly I need to do less of both. Potato, potahto. Anyway, it's that "stripper movie" that came out a week ago. 

 I'm kind of surprised that I found it a little boring.
 It may be the fact that I am goose-stepping my way to old age at an alarming rate but after the first few stripping sequences, I found myself wishing somebody would pay as much attention to the trite story line as they did to coming up with one more way we could see some poor woman with a guy's junk in her face (seriously, if I went to a strip club and somebody did to me what they do in the movie, I would punch him in the nuts and take my dollar bills to 7-11) or giving Channing Tatum another chance to prove he really can dance better than all of the other naked men milling around. 

 I know. You're thinking, "Come on Granny pants. You went to see a rated R movie about male strippers. Were you really expecting something else?".
 Truthfully, no.

 But I didn't expect to be bored at a movie that has that much naked man flesh. Some of it even good flesh. I swear Joe Manganiello probably has to turn sideways to fit those shoulders through any doorway. I even told Emily (when I was convincing her it was a good idea to spend 7 bucks on this thing) that it didn't matter how the plot went because it couldn't be anything but a fun time. Huh. Turns out, not so much.

Maybe I really have aged out of this kind of thing but I really don't think that's it.

 I blame Steven Soderbergh for thinking that anyone going to a movie about MALE strippers wants to see ANY girl's boobs, let alone multiple sets. I do not by any means consider myself to be a prude and maybe I shouldn't be such a raging hetero in this age of enlightenment; but as a whole I find topless girls to be generally uninteresting. Too many at once and it moves into the tiresome category.  Especially when nearly every girl in the movie needed to be force fed a double cheeseburger and a large shake. No kidding. 
If Steven Soderbergh thought he could get away with such a shallow plot because we wouldn't notice what was going on in between the shirtless scenes; he forgets that women (unlike men) can use their brains AND be turned on at the same time.  

Now, don't get me wrong. The movie wasn't a total loss. You know I'm the kind of girl that tries to turn every negative into a positive. Every experience is a chance to learn in my book. Even badly done nakey nakey movies. 

Here's what I learned from Magic Mike:
1-The math: for every 5 strippers there will be 1 with a conscience and a heart of gold.
2-Any girl that would date (read sleep with) a stripper is a skanky slut. Conversely, good girls are a little uptight about their bodies and wouldn't dream of dating a male stripper.
3-19 year old boys are soulless little punks incapable of making anything resembling a good decision. Ever.
4-An old stripper is no better than a pimp. And possibly a little more money grubbing than one too.
5-Any woman that goes to a strip show wants nothing more than to be dry humped on stage.
6-To be a stripper you must take drugs or sell them. Or both.
7-97% of women that go to see male strippers are very well dressed and thin. 
8-Channing Tatum really can dance but most of the time it's stupid dancing that looks more like a well choreographed spaz attack.
9-It doesn't matter what kind of shape you're in, wearing a banana hammock looks stupid. Not sexy. Period. Any woman that says different is lying through the teeth she has been gritting to keep from giggling at the spectacle.
10-Matthew McConaughey should never ever be seen in nothing more than a g-string. Never. I know the guy is in good shape for his age and all but I couldn't tell if he did his own dancing or if they had brought in a slab of beef jerky to be his body double. 
11-I should have watched this on DVD so that I could have just fast forwarded to the first few stripper parts and sent it back.


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