Saving Sanity (or what's left of it anyway)

Fall Break.

The children are out of school today and tomorrow.
 Like any good mother, I was looking forward to having this break with the children. 

Until about 10:00 this morning when the umpteenth knock-down-drag-out started and ended with Turner calling everyone several words that you wouldn't say in church, Suzie doing her Velociraptor impression as she passes out death threats and with the few words he is getting in edgewise, Thomas is making sure that no one could be in doubt as to the absolute superiority of his character, intellect and gaming skills. 

It was exactly at this moment that I remembered I'm actually a crappy Mom and that the kids go to school for a reason.

 *It's the only way to preserve my sanity AND keep them alive.*

Yeah. Crappy Mom.

Luckily, when I took to the computer out of self-defense this morning, I found a few sanity savers. No, it's not a blog full of advice on how to be a better parent or the family crisis hotline number. I happened across more insane product reviews on Amazon. Some are as good as the Banana Slicer ones I found a few months back. I think I'm saving up for the Tuscan Milk first. A little spendy but sounds worth it. I hope the Hubs doesn't read this because I just about have Christmas wrapped up thanks to The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee and Zubaz Pants. And since I believe you can never be too prepared, I hope to acquire How to Avoid Large Ships for our emergency kits. 

 Now that my face hurts from laughing, not clenching my teeth in irritation, I can load up the kids for a (hopefully) pleasant trip to the liquor store.
If that doesn't work out, there is always the option of ordering up myself the Uranium Ore. Some people have way too much time on their hands.
Bless their hearts.

You must eat these!

In spite of recent evidence to the contrary, I'm not a big banana fan.

 About once a month I might talk myself into eating one but only if it's still half green. Once they become even all the way yellow (let alone really ripe), I'm outta there.

 Now that you know this about me, you'll understand how good these bars must be for me to recommend them.

 They're called Banana Bread Bars but they're more like moist banana cake.

 Really, it doesn't matter what the bars are like because the real reason they're so good is the brown butter frosting with which they're topped. After trying it for the first time, I knew I had found my new boyfriend.

Seriously. Yum.

This frosting could possibly make shoe leather edible.

I found the recipe here. Via Pinterest of course.

 Is there any other way these days? 

Even if you don't have any ripe bananas hanging around, call the neighbors, go to the store, whatever-just find some. Then, after you try these, call me and we'll brainstorm other things on which we can put this frosting. 

That is, besides on a spoon, heading into my mouth. 

Already done that one.

Banana Bread Bars:

1 1/2 c. sugar     1 c. sour cream     1/2 c. butter softened     2 eggs

1 3/4 c (3 or 4 ripe) bananas, mashed     2 t. vanilla

2 c. flour     1 t. baking soda     3/4 t. salt     1/2 c. chopped walnuts (optional)

Frosting:

1/2 c. butter     4 c. pwd sugar     1 1/2 t. vanilla     3 T. milk

Heat oven to 375 degrees. grease and flour 15x10 jelly roll pan. In a large bowl, beat together sugar, sour cream, butter and eggs until creamy. Blend in bananas and vanilla. Add flour, b. soda and salt. Blend for one minute. Stir in walnuts. Spread batter evenly into pan. Bake 20-25 minutes or until golden brown. Meanwhile, make frosting. Heat butter over med. heat until boiling. Let the butter turn a delicate golden brown and remove from heat immediately. Add rest of frosting ingredients and whisk until smooth. Spread the frosting over the bars while they are still warm. 

 Makes about 2 dozen bars. 

Note: I don't have a 15x10 pan. I used my 13x9 pan and it worked out fine. You just end up with slightly taller bars with thicker frosting.

So nice to see you, my friend

It's was 44 degrees when I shoved everyone out the door this morning. 

Hooray for October
Listen up people. Fall has arrived.
Let's dig out the jackets and sweaters.
 Time for vats of soup, piles of pumpkin themed baked goods and actually sleeping under a blanket at night.
 I must say, it's about damned time too.
Maybe I can start feeling like a human again. I hate being hot more than almost anything. I have a tendency to turn into a hibernating shrew during the summer so it's a good thing for everyone around here when Autumn temperatures finally arrive. Maybe this weekend I'll celebrate by going outside more than once. AND, for more than 5 minutes. I know. We got us a bad-ass up in here.
 Sweat and sunlight make me sad, okay? 

One problem. I find this time of year so pleasant that I actually get motivated to do...things. Not things like housework and stuff. That would be ridiculous. More like the 20 half-finished projects laying on every surface in the house that need attention. No exaggeration. Truth.
 I think it's the weather. And the new paper designs coming along every 15 minutes or so. And the excited feeling in the air that the holidays are coming but Taylor Swift and Hobby Lobby haven't had a chance to kill it yet. Whatever it is has me feeling like I am on fire with all of the things I want (must, need) to create. Who knows? Maybe I'll actually get a few projects finished this year.
Now, there's a thought to chew on whilst I whip up some properly celebratory
 potato soup.
As long as the stove isn't too embarrassed to heat up after seeing me
do my happy dance in the kitchen this morning.
Did I already say hooray?

TGIF

I know that TGIF is as trite as it gets but I have rarely felt the absolute truth of it like I did today. This week was the kind that had me believing that Wednesday should be Friday and we should really be into next Tuesday by now. A lot of sighing. Lemme tell you.
Then, just as things looked unbearable, I found these on YouTube.
They're G.I. Joe PSA's from the 80's that have been dubbed with different audio.
Hilariously random and definitely my cup of tea. I have the feeling that if I had found these on Monday, I might have been whistling a different tune all week. I also have the feeling that after you watch these you'll be looking at me in a different way. With concern and a hint of revulsion that my sense of humor could be this off kilter. Who are we kidding? Like you didn't already know.

A few of the best:

I guess I should say these are the best out of the ones that won't make your lily white ears burn. If you're hard core enough to think you can handle it, go check out Pork Chop Sandwiches and Give Him the Stick. I can also recommend  G.I. Joe Indian, Reggae, Get in the Fridge and Soccer.

 Now go I tell you! 

Before this week gets any worse.

Have you seen the Muffin Man?

I was just telling a few of my sisters about my new favorite muffin.

 I'm always ordering someone to make my new favorite whatever so this is nothing new to them. Yes, I'm one of those annoying people that is always calling you up to tell you about the latest thing I made and then demanding that you make it too. Thank heaven for tolerant friends and family that still answer their phones. Since Turner tagged me with her lovely head cold earlier this week, I can't stop thinking about eating these muffins and chocolate chip cookies. Weird, I know. Especially since I haven't wanted to eat ANYTHING in days.

Anyway, since I can't get these out of my head, I am now demanding that everybody try them. (and like them too of course) 

AND bring me some because I'm waaay too tired to make some myself. 

They're not as fluffy as regular muffins because they don't contain any flour and you blend them in the blender but they're super moist and intensely flavored. A fair trade in my opinion. Not to mention the fact that they're crazy easy and pretty good for you. Bonus and Bonus.

 I originally found the recipe (via Pinterest. Is there any other way?) here. I went back to the original recipe from there; found that the original had strawberries so I have also made a version substituting thawed frozen strawberries for the bananas and almond extract along with the vanilla that were pretty tasty too. Now I'm thinking I'll have to try peach and a berry besides strawberry. Just for kicks. Oh the possibilities!

Oatmeal Muffins

2 1/2 c. old fashioned oats     1 c. yogurt     2 eggs     3/4 c. sugar      1 1/2 t. b. powder

1/2 t. b. soda      2 bananas     1 t. vanilla

Heat oven to 400 degrees. Spray muffin tin with non-stick cooking spray. Place bananas, yogurt, eggs and sugar in blender. Blend until smooth. Add 1/2c. oats, baking powder and baking soda. Blend. Add the rest of the oats, 1/2 c. at a time, blending after each addition until mixture is smooth. Pour into muffin tin and bake 20-25 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean. 

*a few notes (just in case you check out the original and start to wonder about me)*

The original recipe tells you to use foil liners or a silicone muffin pan. (paper liners won't work) I had a silicone muffin pan and hated it so much that I stomped on it before I trashed it. Nor did I want to go get foil liners just for these. I made sure I used my non-stick pan and sprayed the cups well. They popped right out. If you don't have a non-stick pan then go blow 6 bucks or whatever on one at Wal-Mart. It's worth it because it's also the best thing in the world for making baked eggs. I also wipe the excess oil off of the top because I hate the way it goes gummy in the oven. Ick. I added the vanilla because it seemed like the kind of recipe that needed it. If you don't have real vanilla, up it by another teaspoon. I didn't use the plain Greek yogurt as in the original. Not that I have anything against Greek yogurt; I just didn't have any. Used vanilla Sam's Choice and it worked just fine. The second time, when I made the berry I used strawberry banana and it seemed to not make a difference. Use old-fashioned oats. Nothing else. Trust me, it matters. You shouldn't be buying anything but old-fashioned anyway. Lastly, I finally got around to trying these because I had bananas that needed using up and ended up using 2 1/2 REALLY ripe bananas. I think if my bananas are that ripe next time, I'll reduce the sugar by maybe 1/4 cup.

Where's a Unisom When You Need One?

I can't sleep.

It's terribly late.  

I guess that much is obvious since it's tomorrow, even though for me it feels like yesterday should still be today. It also feels like everyone in the world but me is peacefully dreaming. Even the fashionable people.

 Le Sigh. 

A few realizations that this night/morning have brought home to me:

I am too damned old to drink large cups of coffee right before bed. If I have to get up to pee one more time, I'm going to drag my sleeping bag into the bathroom for the sake of efficiency. 

All of my Sunday School teachers' were right when they told me that once you let something into your head, it's in there for good. I know they were mostly talking about curse words and dirty pictures but I now know this also applies to pop songs with really dumb lyrics and questionable melodies. I never really cared that Kesha and her friends were (in their minds anyway) hot and dangerous or that they were in need of new stockings due to the fact that theirs were inexplicably torn up the sides. That hasn't stopped her voice from repeating these facts in my head for the last three hours. Shame on me for not recognizing good advice when it was being proffered.

I hate being too damned old for anything. Hate hate hate it. Hate it. I know. Waaa. I don't think there's anybody out there that loves it but, so what. That doesn't mean I have to be the first person to think it's awesome. 

Hate. It.

I just have to say that; in spite of the fact that all of my Sunday School teachers' would not approve, LoveSexMagic is the best. The back beat on this thing could make a corpse twitch. That's why I listen to it every time I sit down at the computer. Yes, even if it's the wee hours and not exactly what you'd call sleep inducing. If you're a member of the dirty dancing in music videos is responsible for the downfall of western civilization crowd, I wouldn't recommend clicking on the above link. Just know that you're also denying yourself the adorableness of a scruffy Justin Timberlake.

It's probably wandering into TMI territory (again) to mention how many times I've had to pee. Sorry about that. Don't tell my Dad I didn't say "use the restroom" instead of "pee". He'll have the missionaries over here to save the children from my coarseness.

Maybe I'm a closet egoist. If there is such a thing. 

After resisting for years, I finally saw Julie and Julia yesterday. I say resisted because I hate being in agreement with the whole world so didn't want to watch it and like it. There was such a big deal made out of Meryl Streep when it came out that I had a hard time. Okay okay. I know it's silly. Possibly more proof of my egoistic tendencies too.

 Anyway, I started to wonder when I was watching the part where Julie's husband tells her she's too narcissistic and she counters that she writes a blog and that's what blogging is. Something to that effect anyway. And here I am, making a goal to blog everyday. Writing about nothing and everything for all and sundry to see. Even though all and sundry would have to Google crap and road at the same time to actually see anything I put on here, it's still out there. Maybe the sick feeling of horror I got in the pit of my stomach when Julie gets excited when one of her posts gets 63 comments is really my defense mechanism to keep me from realizing what an egotist I have to be to even have a blog.

 Um.

 Am I just 3 posts away from navel gazing poetry and monologues about my yearning for Pokemon cards and how the moon landing was a hoax? Now my head hurts. By telling you that did I just prove how secretly eager I am to share all? 

Oh, I give up.

Really.

I'm going to bed.

Back to School. Again.

Decided to finally get the annual Sharing of the Back to School Pictures out of the way so we could get back to the real business for which this blog was created-

*Rambling Drivel*

Since my camera had betrayed me in such a vicious fashion in the morning, (still not sorry I fished it out of the trash can and threw it across the porch) these were actually taken after the kids got home from their first day. Courtesy of my Step-Mother Terri, her fancy camera and the fact that she is too nice for her own good.

In spite of the way it looks here;
Turner is trying to show she is in 10th grade,
not show you how she would go about groping
you given half a chance.

8th grade
The reason it looks like Thomas is on his way
out of the picture is due to the fact that he was.
This is the only picture that looked like he was
half-way standing still. 

No, Sam is not trying to pull off the seldom attempted
(for good reason) simultaneous high five/thumbs-up
 maneuver.
6th grade. That's the message.

Neither is Suzie trying to let you know how friendly
 she can be to someone that isn't me. Or her brothers.
This is the year of the baby as a 5th grader.

The secret to getting a half-way decent picture of the kids
together?
 Leave me home.
Worked like a charm.

Lazy is as lazy does Sir...

Having spent no small amount of time communing with my couch this week and last has given me the chance to ruminate on laziness.

 More specifically, my penchant for extreme laziness. 

On the first day of school my camera broke. My first thought (after all the bad words and the temper tantrum that is) was, "No more blogging for me!". Did I mention that was the last working camera in the place? Now, we all know you don't have to have pictures to blog but I had worked myself into a nice little routine of blogging when I had pics of the kids or the latest piece of crap I had made. That way I only had to label the pics and pat myself on the back. And let's not even talk about how I can manage to spend an hour on Pinterest before telling myself I'm too tired to blog and I'll do it tomorrow. 

 Lazy. Lazy. Lazy.

 Not that any of my 3-5 (depending on how many family members I've offended in any given week) pity readers are sitting around with bated breath for my contributions to the blogosphere but it's the principal of the thing. I said I would do it, therefore I should. My ever-present fear of joining my mother in TMI Crazy Town be damned. So, here I sit; resolving to once again resolve to actually stick to my original resolution. Seriously, if I can sit and accordion fold paper 1/2 inch at a time for hours on end, then I can do THIS. 

I think.

The Grand Old Age of Fourteen

Little Sicky here turned 14 yesterday.

 He celebrated by playing Xbox for 8 hours straight and trying not to cough up both of his lungs courtesy of  the nasty cold he has had for the last few days.

 Happy Birthday indeed.

Baby Peach not yike to be sick on him's birfday.

What would we do without Turner to keep things happy?

His best Sheldon Cooper smile.

Bedtime hit him before he was up to making 'smores cones
so we moved dessert to today 

The fixin's.

Better times with Cousin Kate.
Can you tell that they were born a mere
3 weeks apart?

P.S. Bonus points for finding the picture with Thomas being photo bombed.  Sigh.

Crap Wars

I finally decided to check out Craft Wars on TLC and see what all the fuss is about.

After watching the better part of 5 episodes of what turns out to be mostly a 43 minute Michael's commercial, I'm still trying to figure that one out. 

If you have yet to watch it, here is your 

Craft Wars Primer 

to keep the unpleasant surprises to a minimum for when you finally do get sucked in:

The judges alternate between creepy or really lame and Tori Spelling is even more so.

 I could develop my own little drinking game based on how many times per show the judges tell the contestants what they would have done instead of just judging what was actually done or when the one guy judge smiles at the contestants like he's just bursting to tell them about the bag of candy and lost puppy he's been saving for them out in his windowless van. Bonus shots for every time it's painfully obvious Tori Spelling is reading her "spontaneous" comments and questions, every time the Michael's "creative director"(You can't miss her. She's the one that I'm pretty sure wants to take you home and dress you in the same outfits as her multitudinous cats) casually mentions something is available at Michael's and when you're pretty sure Tori Spelling is finally going to sweep everything off of the tables and start screaming "No wire hangers!" at everyone. The game is immediately over and a winner is declared if someone can pinpoint the exact moment when any of the contestants realizes that they should have established a "safe word" before filming began. (A 2 drink penalty will be assessed if you get it wrong and and the person you chose is one of the contestants with crazy eyes that forgot the safe word years ago and are obviously okay with that.)

Speaking of contestants, I have only seen 2 or 3 so far that could be safely trotted out in polite society. The rest speak like they have had one too many shock treatments, look like they had been dressed by their 3 year old niece and/or had spent most of their lives misinterpreting her meaning every time Mom said they were "special". Also, make sure you don't miss the start of the show when they introduce these people.(That is if you can survive Tori Spelling in that red dress staring out of the screen like the hypno-toad). I dare you to keep yourself from exclamations such as "ugh!" "whaaaat?" and "gluuurgh!" as the pictures of their crafts roll past. Most of the "master crafters" are so unappealing that by the middle of the episode, the debate turns from "who do we like this time?" to "which one of these people can we root against the least?".

Let's not even get started with the actual crafts that they turn out or we'll be here for days. I know they have time constraints and other challenges to overcome but, really. I mean REALLY?!? The winner on the very first episode I watched produced a Christmas wreath that looked like it had been put together by Edward Scissorhands. In a poorly lit room. After he had been diagnosed with severe color blindness. I won't even go into the appeal of their final crafts. That can be a fun present for you to unwrap when you're desperate for entertainment. Or too drunk to care what you watch.

And here's the worst part:
I can't stop myself from watching the damned thing.
I feel the same watching this as I do when I stoop to watching old Nanny 911 episodes. I know I'm a crappy Mom but when I watch Nanny 911 I can sit on the couch and tell myself, "you're not doing so badly, at least the kids don't spit on you and poop in their beds!". Craft Wars, to me, is the Nanny 911 for crafting. Next time I struggle with how one of my projects turned out, I can comfort myself with the fact that I have yet to induce group seizures at the senior citizens center with my "art".
To my knowledge anyway.