My crap crap laundry

Home Sweet Home

2012-02-11T23:05:00.000-07:00

Home. Since last night actually. 10 days and a significant increase in noticeable white hanging on the old noggin. So much for best case scenario. We barely squeaked in under the worst case scenario deadline. To the day. Up yours Universe. You rat bastard. Don't do me any more favors, okay?

Interestingly enough, 36 hours ago I wasn't entirely convinced that Suz was ready to come home. We were just coming off of the 4th in a string of hideous nights consisting of inexplicable fevers and pain bad enough to make her cry hard. Believe it or not, turns out Suzie is a pretty tough cookie so that is saying something. The drawbacks of hospitalization notwithstanding, you are basically sleeping in a huge safety net. Comforting to a very sleep deprived Mom. Especially when that deprivation is due to the fact that I had spent my nights telling Suzie to squeeze my hand 'till it got better and bullying, nagging, pushing, begging her into just one more turn around the floor because it would eventually(hopefully)make things better. But, she really really wanted to go home. Duh. Also,since her Dr. is actually one of the bigwigs at Primary Children's who happened to be covering for her partner this week, I decided to assume she knew what she was doing and just go with it. So home we came with our I.V. antibiotics, prescription for oxy and our list of all the things to worry about now that she wasn't being watched by someone in the know 24/7. And...Suzie went to sleep last night and nearly slept the night through. Most sleep in one stretch for almost 3 weeks. Tim had to wake her for her 2 o'clock meds and she hasn't done that since the first night out of surgery. She jumped(read-fast crawled)out of bed so as not to miss saying goodbye to Aunt Shelley, Courtney and Jared. She sat upright on the couch for over and hour in order to play HALO with Thomas. She's not magically better obviously. It has taken me half an hour to write the last 2 sentences since I've also been running in and out of her room trying to make her tummy better while she waits for her Ibuprofen to kick in. But. What a difference a day makes. I can't help thinking that maybe Dorothy had it right after all. There really is no place like Home.

Another prayer

2012-02-02T13:30:00.000-07:00

I'm supposed to be asleep. Fast asleep for a few more hours but, here I am. I wake up every 15 minutes or so when another thing I should be doing pops into my brain and I have to beat it into submission and try to doze back off. I just looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and I still look like a drug-addict coming down from something. Dilated pupils and everything. All this in spite of the fact that I was at the hospital with Suzie all night and ended up about 2 catnaps shy of having stayed up all night. Turns out that the flu I was sure she had last week(and Tim didn't I might add)her surgeon tells me was actually appendicitis that probably ruptured 2 days before I took her to the Doctor. Yet another addition to the Mother's guilt with which I flagellate myself on a weekly basis. Even though they, and by they I mean most of the medical personnel I have come across in the last 2 days, tell me there was no way to know. Ah...Mother's guilt. That special brand of guilt that needs no basis in rationality. It be what it be. Because her appendix was ruptured, the best case scenario is about 4 days in the hospital; worse case,10 days and heaven knows what-even when she comes home. If truth be told, this is the reason I can't seem to stay asleep. Every time I open my eyes and look at the wall I offer up this prayer to the Universe and anybody else that is listening.

"Please. In spite of the atrocious luck my life seems to attract, just this once let it be best case scenario. Please Please Please be best case scenario. Not because I can't handle it. I can. And not because it is costing a gazillion dollars a day. But. But because that's my baby lying there in that bed. Miserable. Still a little scared. Wishing she were home and that everything didn't hurt so damned much. So; please, just this once. Take whatever favors you might have been storing up for me and use them on her."

Rifftrax - Best of Twilight

2012-01-31T16:19:00.000-07:00

So, I kind of have a serious obsession with Mystery Science Theater 3000. MST3K was a television show that took bad movies and added a snarky commentary track. Even though it hasn't been on t.v. now for years, any episode is still my go-to for fun on a Saturday night. Well, any night for that matter. The unfortunate(for other people not for me) side effect is that I now expect my whole life to sound like an episode of the show. I wake up in the morning wanting to make a snarky comments about everything. Commercials, Facebook posts, whatever the kids are talking about in the dining room etc... You can imagine my delight when I discovered that the guys behind MST were taking on different projects together. More snarky commentary for my life! Yay! Some were more miss than hit(see Film Crew: Wild Women of Wongo) but it looks like their latest (and by latest I mean the last few years) stuff is gold. They're called Rifftrax and they're exactly what they sound like. But...and here's the best part, the boys didn't limit themselves to "bad" movies. They have taken on a little bit of everything. The above bit the Rifftrax crew put on YouTube is a sampling of one of the funniest so far. Especially because they couldn't have chosen a more deserving candidate. So, go watch it and I promise not to turn this blog into the Daily YouTube Share Channel. And, if you don't think it's funny then call me and we'll find you a nice doctor to help you relax that sphincter a bit.

It's a plan

2012-01-30T23:24:00.000-07:00

Monday Monday. Riding in on a rail. Maybe I've been going about it all wrong. Instead of waking up and staring into the headlights with my fingers crossed, I need a plan from the get-go. Everything works better with a plan I'm told. So, here's my plan to keep the damage from spilling over into the rest of the week. Coping skills people. Get 'em out and use 'em.

1. To battle the usual Double Stuff Oreos and coke induced haze of self loathing, check out this picture

http://www.eonline.com/photos/gallery.jsp?galleryUUID=4392#164851

and tell yourself that you may have a belly full of jelly but at least you aren't being mistaken for Skeletor. Ugh. Then listen to this

http://youtu.be/IyYnnUcgeMc

and tell everyone you come across(in any context) for the rest of the week, "I don't think you're ready for this jelly." Shakin' it a little while you're saying it couldn't hurt.

2. If your brain feels like it isn't back from it's weekend sabbatical, listen to this

http://youtu.be/1prhCWO_518
to give it an easy wake up,

then this to keep it going
http://youtu.be/ptPekKOigkQ

and then this
http://youtu.be/LwwkqABItLA
to chill everything out. It's not cool to stroke yourself out before, oh, Wednesday night at least.

3. To counteract the Poor Me's that hit about 2ish, watch this http://youtu.be/TLEK0UZH4cs

and just thank your lucky stars that you don't have cutleries in your knees.

4. And if all of the above fails, watch this
http://youtu.be/4cN8RgFYrQg
and at least be grateful you're not Canadian.

I know I embedded the links a little oddly but my browser is being extremely unhelpful so this is as good as it gets today.

Dishes dishes

2012-01-29T19:26:00.000-07:00

We have been without a working dishwasher for awhile. It may be a little my fault that it took maintenance so long to get around to it. I may have sort of implied that we were better off living in a van down by the river if our dishwasher was nothing but a very large drying rack when I put in the maintenance request. Last week I put in a nicer, slightly conciliatory one and that finally did the trick. Unfortunately, due to the fact that we HAVE been using it as a glorified drying rack; everyone assumes that the dishes in the dishwasher are always clean. And...we had an incident last week that had all of us praying that the plate we were pulling out of the cupboard was indeed clean. I decided that some sort of label was in order to help us avoid the necessity of such prayers in the future. I was just going to make the usual "clean" and "dirty" ones you see around but when it actually came down to it that seemed kind of boring and came up with these instead. Luckily I had them 98% done when Suz got sick. I just put the white circles on them today and decided to share them. They're not that fancy. You can tell I just threw them together and, if you look closely you can also tell that I couldn't find my plastic thingies and used the poor man's laminating material; packing tape. If I had taken the time I could have made them cuter but they make me smile every time I look at the dishwasher and that is all that matters.

Pin me

2012-01-28T21:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Pinterest,

I hate you. You are the black hole of the internet. You're ruining my life. Please don't ever ever leave me. Ever.

Love, Shauna

Everyday I sit down at the computer with the best of intentions. "Hmm. Got a lot on my plate today. I guess I'll get Words with Friends caught up and get down to business here. Done and done. Well, since I'm here I'll just check Pinterest for anything interesting while I get my mind in order." 17 hours later and I look at the clock, uncramp my hand from around the mouse and think, " What the? I'm pretty sure I've only been looking at pins for 15 minutes. So much for getting the laundry done. Why do I feel so sick? Did I eat today? Why does it smell like old cabbage? What happened to my pants? Why is my hair sticky? Did I always have this many kids and why are they all crying? DAMN YOU PINTEREST!" Shake fist heavenward.

Later, in bed, drifting off to sleep and it's, "Where have I gone so wrong with my life? I really SHOULD start making my own book shelves out of lost orphans and old quilts. I am such a dullard. I should have known all about making diaper boxes and a cheese grater into 10 different Halloween costumes. Why CAN'T I make Lemony Garlic Free Range Belgian Braised Chicken Wrapped in 20 Dollar Bills for my family? If I loved them we would have monogrammed underwear that spells the address of the website that is single handedly saving every verbally abused dolphin in captivity. I hate myself. There is something wrong with me because I can't love Taylor Swift and Twilight properly. Our apartment is hideous. My tapeworm has more taste than me. We should have coordinating containers for each of our matchless socks. I just don't try hard enough. I should be able to decorate the whole place for 3 dollars and a couple of good dumpster dives. We should just burn it down and start over. Oh dear. I hope the neighbors don't mind..." It's about this time that Tim takes the gun out of my hand and tells me to go to sleep. I do so because, after all; according to Scarlett O'Hara, tomorrow is another day. I know because somebody pinned it.

Fringe Benefits

2012-01-26T21:09:00.000-07:00

Speaking of the perks of mothering sick kids, another one popped up today(ish) that I had nearly forgotten. Since it now appears that Suzie managed to catch a monster case of the Dread Gomboo that's been making the rounds, I decided the best plan was to just hunker down in the living room and try to ride this bad boy out. That's how I ended up propped up on 2 bean bag chairs at about one this morning and wishing for death to arrive and take me away. This was partly due to the mind-numbing/soul crushing fatigue that has me in it's grip, and partly due to the fact that we were on hideously dumb movie #712 with no end in sight. The specific movie playing during this particular moment was Princess Protection Program. It's a Disney made for t.v. movie and lemme tell ya it's a doozie. It's all about a girl that learns to behave like a princess and a princess that learns to behave like a girl. Both learning the requisite lessons along the way about self-esteem and not judging a book by it's cover. Oh, and rich girls are selfish beeyotches and boys that drive nice cars are self absorbed jerks don't you know. It was at about the time that Selena Gomez is telling off said jerk that I started to think that it would be nice if there really were little mice that came by and poked your eyes out with upholstery needles if you needed them to. Unfortunately, this was not the worst movie we watched-it was just the straw that broke the camels back as it were. Actually, the worst movie honor(so far) goes to Tremors 3:Back to Perfection; another movie I hadn't been forced to see until today. Usually, if the kids are watching a movie I can't stand I just go in my room and watch what I want. Or, if I want to hog the living room I send them to the girls room to watch whatever lameness strikes their fancy. Hence the reason why I am so terribly out of practice in sitting through crap not of my choosing. The fact that I watched every single one without one snide remark proves how much I love my kids. I don't care how much evidence you have to the contrary.

Through the fog.

2012-01-25T19:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I took a mental health day. I knew I had no chance of improving my mental health so, I took a day. Har. It's so cool when I say something dumb like that and it is indistinguishable from something my Dad would say. I love being Marv. I should have saved it for today. No, not the joke(loosely defined of course). The mental health day. Suzie was up all night tossing her cookies and everything else she even considered eating in the last year. I'm pretty sure she puked things she was supposed to eat next Tuesday. You know that means I was up all night too. I tried to sleep when she did today but she hasn't managed more than maybe an hour and a half at a stretch. But, thanks to my lack of ambition yesterday I'm sitting at the computer-squinting through one eye and the screeching headache that has been pinging around in my head all day, trying not to fail spectacularly(again)this year. Truth is, I'm not used to this crap anymore. When I have a really bad night and end up this tired, it just means that I don't accomplish that much and the kids are in charge of their own dinner. The kids are just old enough that I rarely have to take care of someone when I'm this foggy. And boy am I foggy. For example, this morning I got some almonds out for a snack and lost them before I could eat them. I just found them on Tim's side of the bed-under the covers no less. I have been eating crackers all day because that is the only thing that seems reasonable, effort wise, when I wander into the kitchen. I went to Smith's to get some Gatorade etc... for Suz and got kinda lost. Not lost exactly but I had been up and down the Valentine isle and was in the corner looking at eggs and milk before I realized I was supposed to be over by the pharmacy getting pain meds. I stood staring into space in front of the cold drinks by produce so long some guy came up to me and asked if I needed help. I'm sure it was obvious to everyone there that I did indeed need the kind of help you don't find in the grocery store. I also stopped in front of the wrong line at the stop light and had to back up while the lady behind me shook her head at me. This was par for the course when the kids were little but not anymore. It's one of the little things that no Mother can warn you about before you have kids. Like parenthood itself, it's one of the things you have to experience to really get. I don't think I've missed it one bit. I'm going now. Did I mention I was tired? I can't remember.

Looks like I've found my Magnum.

2012-01-23T15:50:00.002-07:00

I grew up watching Magnum P.I. with my Mom. If truth be told, watched it even after I was married until a regrettable incident when I was super pregnant with Turner. I made the mistake of watching the episode where he thinks he's going to die and remembers his Dad dying that had me sobbing while being laughed at by my sweet husband. Since I still can't live that one down, the show kind of lost it's appeal. But, my mom on the other hand, still watches it and anything else with Tom Selleck. She loooves him. We still tease her about how hot she thinks he is. I was watching A Single Man today and realized I have found my Magnum. I also realized that I couldn't help comparing it to Brokeback Mountain and how it made that movie look even clunkier in it's love story than I thought possible. It also doesn't make me want to yell, "I wish I could quit you Ennis!" every time the kids watch Prince of Persia but that's another problem entirely. Going back to A Single Man; it stars Colin Firth, which is the whole reason I watched it in the first place. The whole time I was watching it all I could think was,"Aww I love Colin Firth!". Yes, even when he is kissing another man. Doesn't matter. He was the only reason that I watched The King's Speech even though he started showing his age in that one. Still doesn't matter. He is also(along with Hugh Grant a little) the only reason I watch the problematic(to say the least) Love Actually. He could probably play a cross dressing serial killer/rodeo clown and I would sit there happily. While he was tottering around in heels dismembering cowboys or whatever I would just be happy I was watching him. I blame Pride and Prejudice. He will be 82 and gumming his carrots as someone's grumpy grandad in something and I'll look around and say, "that Mr. Darcy sure is a handsome man!". I have indeed found my Magnum. I am so sighing right now. And thinking it's time to watch Pride and Prejudice. Again. Sigh.

TMI Dude. TMI.

2012-01-22T20:31:00.000-07:00

I know I promised an inspirational poem about bacon today but the relationship I have with my sweeeet bacony bacon seems too special to share in such a public way. Which brings me to the talking point of today. I know there are usually talking points-plural-but I'm feeble minded and can only handle one at a time or I get confused and just sort of trail off into...

Anyway, I was raised by a Mother that was big into over sharing. Not just about herself, but about all of us. Seriously. Every grocery store checker in Pleasant Grove knew that I needed braces(new underwear, a bigger bra, a good psychiatrist or whatever) before I did. You know I love you Jean but, you crazy. As a result I have developed an abhorrence for sharing with just anybody. You know, the I have 1200 Facebook friends and they all know when I had explosive diarrhea last week and I sharted in Starbucks but like, I don't think anybody noticed because I was wearing brown pants, kind of sharing that seems to be the norm these days. When I'm scrap booking and it's after nine then of course all bets are off but all my cropping buds have made their peace with this. I have such a problem with this that it is starting to interfere with my little experiment here. I already feel like I've overstayed my welcome by putting a link to these posts on Facebook. Now, I know you're thinking, "Hello! you're writing on a blog you idiot!". I know but, it's not like I'm one of those mental cases that is convinced there are thousands of eager readers out there in cyberspace breathlessly awaiting my next scintillating revelation about what a crappy mom I am. As nice as it is to vent and feel like you're venting to someone even though it's just you and your keyboard, I meant it when I said I am doing this for what it can teach me as much as anything else. So, 16 posts in and the paralyzing fear that I am turning into one of those asshats has me scrolling through all of the blogs here on Blogger and being too nauseated to write anything coherent. Maybe that is the other thing I get to develop here. I guess by the end of the year I will be telling everyone when I had to clip my toenails and feeling good about it. You know that puts me one step away from being a chronic hugger and/or someone that cries in the movie theater don't you?

Cheater cheater...

2012-01-21T23:53:00.000-07:00

It is 11:34 p.m. I just got home from a super-dee-dooper crop night with Carrie and Em. I sat down at the computer more out of habit than for any other reason and then thought "HEY! I could still blog something lame and it still counts!" It's still technically Saturday sooo, here I am, sitting in front of the computer listening to Turner wallow the floor and bitch about being tired. And wondering if this is sort of cheating. Not cheating per se but more like out of the spirit of what I've started here. You know, the whole follow through on something deal I'm trying to pull off. Does posting some rambly drivel just in the nick of time really count? Especially now that it is 11:44 and the most interesting thing I have to say is that we managed to get Turner headed into wallow her bed instead of the living room floor. Maybe if I promise to post a really good poem about my special feelings for bacon tomorrow, I can let this one slide. Good night. Don't let the bedbugs bite. And if they do, don't let them bite you somewhere that you can't scratch in public without looking like a pervert and/or unwashed weirdo. 11:53. Victory Mr. Floyd!

It's a girl!

2012-01-20T19:56:00.000-07:00

No no no no, not for me. Don't be absurd. I know I'm crazy, just not crazy enough to think that I should mother more than 4 children into mental illness before I kick it. My even crazier than me sister Carey(I had to specify because I have an even crazier than she is sister named Annie)had her 7th this morning. And, in keeping with the Carey/Lumpy baby tradition-coming in at 10 lbs 10 1/2 oz and 22 inches-she's a chunky monkey. She also looks to be the spitting image of her Dad(another tradition actually) but since you never can tell for sure this early on, we'll leave the jury out on that one. Also, I know this isn't really the point but, YAY! I get to use pink and flowers on the announcements. You have no freakin' idea how much I was hoping.

Welcome to this crazy mixed up world Samantha Kathleen Hyde!

Already has more hair than Dad

And apparently has the same size feet. Check those puppies out.

Spencer, Mitchell, Marissa holding Samantha, Serena and Celeste

My prayer for the day

2012-01-19T09:10:00.001-07:00

I pray a lot. Not the kneel by theside of the bed every night kind of prayer that I SHOULD be doing but more likethe "oh please, not that" to the Universe at large general typeprayer. The hope against hope kind. You know, "please let my sister's exget eaten by a bear" or "please don't let the maintenance guy come injust as I'm getting out of the shower". That kind of thing. Due to severalconversations with a few of my sisters about the hopelessness of our geneticsituation, the one that has been going around in my head this week is somethingalong the lines of: "oh please don't let me be old and crazy!" Now, Iknow everybody is crazy but I'm not talking regular crazy. Not just weird talksto yourself sometimes because I had too many kids crazy but all out, balls tothe wall bat-shit crazy. The hubs is a big believer in Karma and he is alwaystelling me to knock off this kind of stuff. So, right after I think these kindsof things I immediately go "shouldn't have said that. Karma is gonna biteme in the ass now". What with the numerous things I've lined up for whichKarma can pay me back, I suppose I should change this particular prayer to,"oh please let the following conversation happen as far in the future aspossible!" I'm pretty sure it will go something like this:

Suzie, "Turner, I have to talkto you about Mom."

Turner, "What now you stupididiot? I have very important things to do. And you all suck. Call Thomas."

Suzie, "He thinks he's somewherein Russia and he lost his phone and wallet again."

Turner, "Again huh. Try thatjerk Sam."

Suzie, "I knew you would saythat. I tried him but he's in the Bahamas or somewhere with one of hisgirlfriends and I can't remember which one he's with this week."

Turner, "(heavy sigh)Okay okay.You have 2 minutes, so talk fast or I'll give you a titty twister overthe phone."

Suzie, "You know how Mom used tosay Grandma was crazier than an outhouse rat?"

Turner, "You know I blocked outeverything she ever said because she never got anything right but whatever.Sure."

Suzie "Well, she's living in theouthouse and they're fighting over the last chunk of cheese if you catch mydrift."

Turner, "I knew it would happeneventually."

Suzie, "What do we do? She'sinterrupting Daddy's shows and I can't have that. You know I love himbest."

Turner, "We don't do anything.Just tell Thomas and Sam we are off the hook for the annual Christmas phonecall."

Suzie, "Okay but I hope shedoesn't burn down the house or even worse, do something embarrassing in frontof me!"

Turner, "Dial tone."

Now that I think about the way I'vebeen going lately, I've got a good 3-5 months before Karma knocks on my door.It's good Turner has been practicing her heavy sighs alot lately.

White trash confession #731

2012-01-18T15:19:00.000-07:00

WARNING:contains salty(ish) language

Don't tell anybody but-I swear. I know. Shocker. You had no idea. Yes, I know cursing is the exclusive domain of the lazy. I do believe we've covered my gargantuan lazy streak. In fact, I swear kind of a lot. Even around my kids. Well, even at my kids. The truth is, curse words and really inappropriate words of any kind amuse me. And, since I have decided to die having never been too serious another day in my life, this works for me. Now, I try to keep it fairly clean around kids that belong to other people. I admit to being white trash but haven't managed to sink that low yet. I do STILL wear a bra to Walmart thank you very much. I also try to control myself around the lily white members of the Friends and Fam that can't handle somebody saying shut-up without having a fit of the vapors. Which brings me to the point of this unsolicited confession(always the best kind!). I was talking to my sister last Saturday and referred to the children as being "little bastards anyway". A phrase I use often. A phrase on occasion I believe to be true. I was overheard. And the rest is history I suppose. Ask any of my kids and they'll tell you they believe in their legitimacy and are okay with it and the fact that I'm a crappy mother. Which is why if you start getting cards from us signed The Bitch, the Jackass and the little bastards you should just smile and be cool. We are.

This is how we Paartay!!!

2012-01-17T16:19:00.001-07:00

Last Saturday was the 3rd Annual Worthington Winter Party. Turner was in charge of documenting it for posterity. She got busy or something and sorta kinda didn't get much. I just cleared her memory card and picked out the best of what she did get. In spite of the fact that we didn't have much from which to choose, I think they really do give you a sense of how things go when we get together. Already can't wait for next year people!!!

Con wanted us to see how he can eat half a roll in one bite. Ellie is laughing because she was the first one badass enough to break Annie's NO UTENSILS rule. That's just the way Ellie rolls.

Taela is calling all of her Demon familiars to help her finally take care of Ray once and for all. Note Aiden trying to remain inconspicuous behind the piano just in case he's next.

The only picture of Mike. Luckily it's one of him walking AND eating. Bonus! Annie was really mad at Jon and is laughing because she knows how gassy all that extra turkey will make her by bedtime.

Inspite of the imminent threat, Joe was laughing because he knows Thomas forgot it was Saturday and he had no lunch money to hand over.

This wasn't a pose. Jared kept his hand on Courtney's leg the whole time in order to keep her from bolting. Good man. Good man. From Courtney's smile I would say he was gonna lose an ear before the day was done.

Miss Q and her new 'do

2012-01-16T11:29:00.000-07:00

In the interest of my sanity, Grandpa Marv is kind enough to drag the boys out to get haircuts every so often. Last Saturday Suzie went with them and came home with a new 'do. I had her point at it just in case you got confused.

Uh.

2012-01-14T23:23:00.002-07:00

I sat down at the computer next to the new package of gumballs I left for the little tykes- determined to hammer this thing out and not miss another day. And here I still sit; a couple of hours later, no further than the painfully clever title at the top of this post. However, I have somehow managed to get my ass handed to me by my sister in a game of Words with Friends then start 2 more, read through my Facebook feed, clear my e-mail, polish off 2 cups of coffee, give Pinterest a quick gander and scroll through umpteen blogs on Blogger-all while listening to Willie Nelson, Foster The People and Motley Crue in a continual loop with an enormous jaw ache from chewing something like 10 gumballs all at once. From this sad little interlude I have concluded that:

1. I suck.

2. I should never sit in close proximity to any amount of tasty gum type products while distracted or really ever.

3. I am a lazy Scrabble, er- I mean Words With Friends player with a sad lack of a competitive streak to boot.

4. I deeply resent the existence of the letter J.

5. I need to check my email more often.

6. Two cups of coffee+after 10 p.m.=heartburn.

7. If you listen to Girls, Girls, Girls too many times in a row you actually start leering at the nearest girl. Even if it's your own reflection in the computer monitor.

8. Catching yourself leering at yourself is not only super awkward but kinda creepy.

9. I should have chosen something a little less ambitious for my resolution like "shower more" or "stop eating cigarette butts" rather than the fancy schmancy one I chose.

10. I should have stopped with the awesome title and gone to bed two hours ago.

Hugs and Kisses

2012-01-13T20:53:00.002-07:00

We now interrupt this regularly scheduled Christmas craft dump to bring you...the Valentine banner I dropped everything to finish. Partly because it's been 3/4 done for I dunno, a couple of weeks now but really just because I knew it was going to BE SO CUTE! If you could hear me say that in the weird voice I always roll out when something ends up matching the picture in my head, it would have way more impact. I finished it a few days ago and even had the first 2 pics on the computer the same day. Then I couldn't get the long one to come out right and started messing with my camera. Aaaaand messed it up so much that I now couldn't take a decent picture to save my life. I would tell you what I did wrong but to do that I would have to know and I really don't. I finally just asked Turner to do the best she could with her camera even though it was too dark, she couldn't get that close because of the bean bag chair pile and she had to stand at an angle so she didn't get in the way of our Friday night showing of The Wizard of Oz. Whatever. It will do, Jeeves. It will do.

The middle.

The top.

The-well, you get the general idea.

The Best Laid Plans...

2012-01-11T21:39:00.002-07:00

Oh the grand plans I had this morning! For starters; I was going to get some shopping done, take and upload some sweet pics of my fabulous new crafty craft and finish the one I started last night. Foolish foolish girl. For a minute there, I forgot about how my life really works. The high point of my day was accidentally finding Sam the clothes-horse $6 shoes he would put on his feet without being under direct threat of bodily harm. Unfortunately it quickly rolled downhill past the part where I dumped Dr. Pepper into my SWEET green flower purse(I hope the trash can enjoys it as much as I did) and just kept going down, down, down. I'll spare you the gory details. Let's just say I've been sighing a lot today. I guess this is the part where you tell me that tomorrow is another day! I could try a round of the Glad Game too I suppose but I always thought Polyanna was kind of a dumbass. Sigh.

You should be watching this!

2012-01-10T15:50:00.000-07:00

Downton Abbey. Maggie Smith is in it. 'Nuff said. Okay. You need more. I SAID Maggie Smith is in it. And, and and it's got a little bit of everything. Humor. Drama. Whatever you want. AND, unlike 96.4% of television shows these days, it's well written and actually takes the time to tell a story. If you don't have AMC you probably don't even remember what that is. A real story. Where the antagonists aren't completely all bad and the protagonists aren't totally perfect. Downton Abbey does all of this without zombies,vampires or wierd, unbelievable mind-bending twists. No cursing or boob flashing either. Not that I have anything against those, mind you(hello? it's me!) but every once in a while I like to not have to lock the kids in their room with their fingers in their ears just so I can watch something. Now; if you're about to tell me that you don't go in for British period pieces, save yourself the embarrasment and just freakin' watch it. Big Baby. You've only missed the first episode of season two but you can catch the replay before the next episode on Sunday night. Hell, come over to my house and watch it on my DVR. If you hurry you can cram in the first season in time for S2 E2 that will play on Sunday night. It's on PBS so no more excuses. Now go. Don't stand there looking stupid, GO.

Egads! A recipe.

2012-01-09T17:25:00.001-07:00

I have never thought of myself as any kind of cookish type cook. I can't seem to be bothered to follow a recipe. I also don't have an advanced enough palate to really put flavor into things the way other people do. What that really means is that I was raised by Utah Mormons and never learned to like strong flavors like basil, oregano and the like so I avoid using them whenever I can and am therefore generally a producer of boring food. Oh, I have my specialties like anybody else that's been cooking all their life but most of my specialities are of the sort that belong at church gatherings and on school lunch trays. This, of course does not prevent me from calling up all and sundry and ordering them to make this thingy that I have concocted whenever I have been moved to concoction. No recipe for it of course; just a ramble about how you throw this and that in and call it good and really you should make it and so forth. So, now you know that on top of being an award winning procrastinator I am a lazy cook and a big fat bosser. And we all know what the world thinks of a bosser don't we? Well, I was concocting last week and hit on something 5 out of the 6 of us really liked. Which is basically equivalent to winning the lottery. It worked out so well that I was actually moved to write down the recipe(of sorts). And now I am sharing it here. Not because I think it's going to change your life or cure male pattern baldness but because it saves me from having to email it to the poor chums that I have been ordering to make it. Win!

Now, a word before I move on. I used Mexican blend cheese but you could use whatever you have on hand. There isn't a specified amount because it's really a personal call in my opinion. I also didn't use corn tortillas but the Mission corn and wheat blend ones. Yes they're more expensive; but it helps me convince myself that the Fam is shoveling in something half-decent instead of something that should probably be shoveled directly down the disposal. I actually liked the flavor they added but that could be my delusions speaking for me again. And before you ask; yes-I did make a casserole instead of actual enchiladas because I'm too damned lazy to roll them up.

Chicken Enchilada Casserole

5 C. cooked, shredded chicken 3T butter 3T flour 1c. sour cream

1 onion, chopped 1Tchopped garlic cumin, chili powder,salt

tortillas cut in half (about 20 if using the smallcorn ones)

28 oz can green enchilada sauce, divided Cheese

Measure out 2 c. of the enchilada sauce and set aside.In a large frying pan, soften onions in oil then add garlic. Cook for a minuteor so then add shredded chicken. Sprinkle with spices to taste, pour in rest ofsauce from can and heat together on low. Meanwhile, in a saucepan over med heat melt butter; add flour and cooktogether for 1 min then pour in 2 c. enchilada sauce. Cook, stirring untilbubbly and thick. Remove from heat and add sour cream. Spray an 11x13 pan withcooking spray. Spread a little bit of the sauce in the bottom and top with asingle layer of tortillas. I break them in half and put the straight side against the edge and then just kind of fill in the middle. Next, layer1/2 chicken and spoon some sauce on top. Sprinkle with cheese. Repeat layersthen cover with last layer of tortillas. Spread with remaining sauce makingsure to cover completely. Sprinkle with cheese, cover in foil and cook forabout 45 minutes or until hot and bubbly. Take the foil off for the last 10-15minutes. Let rest for 15 min. before serving.

Longest most rambling post in history! Read at your own risk!

2012-01-08T12:51:00.001-07:00

I did something kinda dumb yesterday. I walked 4 miles. In the snow. It was not all uphill however; and I wasn't barefoot but I guess we can't have everything. Why would I do such a thing you ask? It can all be blamed on The Box of Shame. And what, pray tell, is The Box of Shame and how could it cause such lunacy you ask? Thanks for being so involved in my little stories that you're asking questions now. It's sweet. I appreciate it. Well. Actually, let's back up a little. I was blessed to leave high school with 2 best friends. I still count them as such to this day. Along with a few others I have picked up along the way. But I digress. Emily lives close enough to see on a weekly basis if I'm lucky. Krysta ended up on the other side of the country. So I see her every other year if I'm lucky. Sucks. And now that she has 3 kids, really sucks. As you can imagine, I would like to be the Bad Auntie to her kids as much as I am to all of my nieces' and nephews'. There's nothing more fun than bringing large amounts of chocolate to Emily's chocoholic daughter and telling her to have at it. Unless it's handing my nephew a sucker when he's strapped into his car seat and my sister isn't looking or buying my 5 year old niece bags of gum or...well you get the gist. Sorry-having a hard time staying on task today. I promise to flip a card if it happens again. ANYWAY, when Krysta's first babies were a few months old, I acquired a priority mail box and put a few things I had gathered into it. Nothing earth shattering. One of our favorite out-of-print Christmas books I found at the D.I., a copy of my kids favorite Halloween book when they were little, the Brother themed mini-book I started when I found out she was having twin boys, just stuff that I would normally hand over whenever I saw them if they were closer. It was fun having little ones to buy for again since they were becoming scarce in my neck of the woods. Then the box just kind of sat there. I would look at it and think, "you've REALLY gotta get that out of here. But there's still room in it. Maybe I should get an Easter book and then send it off." I would then put something else in it and it would sit there. Then Krysta had another baby and of course I needed to put something for the baby in it and and and...six months ago we moved. While I was cleaning out my closet what should appear? The BOX. Sigh. That is when it became The Box of Shame. I couldn't even remember everything that it contained but I COULD NOT look through it. Either the shame would kill me, the guilt would crush me or both. So, like the procrastinating asshat that I am, I loaded it into the car and it came to Draper with us. I would find an odd thing here and there that had never found their way in to it and I would drop it in. After we were settled into our new place, I swore I would get it mailed by Halloween. Then decided to send it with our Thanksgiving card that...I made but never mailed. I then decided to make Christmas countdown blocks that would just fill it to bursting and send it off. I even got the blocks done before Thanksgiving. The day after I sprayed them, the kids noticed that I had done one of them wrong and had to pull one side off and re-do. And wait for the weather to be warm enough to spray that one damned 3 1/2 inch square of paper-covered wood. Again sigh. I dared to spray the week of Christmas and we were back in business. I'm pretty sure my sanity would be questioned if I just sent it off and decided to put in a letter giving some sort of explanation about the bizarre(and at this point also mostly unknown)contents. Which is why I gave myself until yesterday to get the thing in the mail or commit hari-kiri in the parking lot. I went to bed Friday night and realized The Box still had no letter. I went to sleep with a plan to do it all first thing. I woke up late yesterday but with plenty of time. Decided to shower first and get to it. I got out of the shower and discovered Tim and Turner gone in the car. We only have one. Yes, I know we are the only family outside of Calcutta with less than 2 cars but it usually works. Really. Now I was in the soup. This is where we left off. My something kinda dumb. I could hope they came home in time to get to the post office for the last pick-up or I could figure something else out. In keeping with my new resolve to follow through on all of my lazy crap I opted for the latter. So, there was nothing for it but to slap The Box shut(sans explanitory letter of course), put on the sneaks and hoodie and hit the pavement. Fast. I think I mentioned it was snowing. Did I also mention that it was 2 miles one way? I know. Dumb. The silver lining to all of this is that I made it. With 9 minutes to spare! It took me twice as long to get back and I was wet and cold and really really tired but The Box of Shame can mock me no longer. Victory(of sorts)is mine!!!

The Good, The Bad and The, well...

2012-01-06T22:01:00.001-07:00

Yes. Pics 2 whole days in a row. Now, don't get all worked up about it. Purely accidental I assure you. It was a now or never situation with getting these posted. As I may have mentioned a couple(thousand)times before, Christmas hasn't been my thingamajig for awhile now. And, if you have ever met me, you know that mornings are even less my idea of a good time than listening to Taylor Swift massacre Silent Night every time I go to the grocery store from Thanksgiving to New Years. I'm hoping you'll accept that as a good enough excuse for how abysmally our Christmas pics turned out. I actually wondered if I could have accidentally been high after I off-loaded these beauties. Then I wondered if I had also been drunk after spending an hour removing red-eye and adjusting the exposure on every. single. one. and still having this. Sigh.

The best thing about this one is all of the piles of crap surrounding everybody. Ahh. Christmas memories!

This one seemed like the red-eye was too appropriate to remove. If I could put a word bubble by her mouth it would say, "Thanks for the Kyle Busch pants but I think I'll be eating you now. Heh heh heh".

This one also seemed to need red-eye to complete the look Sam was going for. Notice the death grip of the scissors. Pretty sure he was considering their use on something other than the box.

A day late...

2012-01-05T15:56:00.001-07:00

Welcome to the annual Christmas craft dump! It seems like every January I get over my aversion to Christmas and want to finish all of the projects I started before my yearly Christmas loathing set in. So, here are pics of my most recently finished. I was going to say a day late and a dollar short but for the sake of accuracy I feel I should say a month late and about 50 bucks short. Especially if you know how much money I've dropped on all of the crap in my house. I'm pretty pleased with how they turned out-even if all I get to do is pack them away now. At least they're DONE. Onward and upward!

In my defense, I sat down to make these and discovered my wood still oozing sap and had to wait for them to dry out a little more. They sat in a nice little pile next to the bookcase until this week. Gotta give me props for finishing them in a day and half in spite of the fact that I had to strip a bad paint choice off of one and consequently use a 2 step paint process on the others.

I promised my sister pics of these weeks ago but wanted to add the ribbon to the middle one that...still isn't there. I can't find the right color so I am officially pushing that to next Christmas. Is it cheating to say these are done? Probably not. If I'm completely honest, I won't care by the time they come back out and they'll look like this forever.

Bloggety Blog Blog Blog

2012-01-04T15:59:00.000-07:00

I have 3 blogs I try(ish) to keep up. Yes, I am crazy. No, I am not an egotist. At least I don't think I am. But if I were I wouldn't admit it now would I? Having three just kind of happened. This one I was nagged into by all of my blogging chums(all of which then abandoned me for Facebook). My crafty one began in the Etsy selling fevor that afflicted me about a year ago and was abandoned shortly thereafter. Did I mention I have a problem with follow through? The last one was created out of pity for my in-laws and other out of state family that I didn't feel should have to wade through my off kilter, possibly foul-mouthed ramblings to get to the pictures of the kids I put up. So there you have it. I was getting ready to post some pics of the Christmas crafts I am finally finishing. Yes. Problem. Moving on...I thought "this is nuts!(I probably really said it out loud to myself but whatever) why should I write 2 posts today just because I promised a couple of people I'd post pics when they're done?" Well, no more say I. To save what is left of my sanity I think this will be my one stop blogging shop for the time being. You know I'm just mean and lazy enough to do it too. Sorry Mom and Dad and Carey. Take heart; maybe I'll change my mind when I decide to start writing Haikus about my gall bladder and need a dedicated blog for them. Oh happy day.

Resolve

2012-01-03T15:22:00.000-07:00

I have recently become acutely aware of the passage of time. Suz turned ten a few weeks ago. It seems like such a little thing but the fact that all of my kids are now into the double digits brought the flight of time even more to my attention. Not in the "My my, how time flies!" sense but the "Holy Shit! what have I been doing?" sense. This(and the fact that you can't take a step these days without tripping over a New Year resolution)led me to ruminating on perseverance and my complete lack of it really. Just look at the piles of unfinished projects I have EVERYWHERE and you get how bad I have gotten. I have always been good at procrastination but it seems as I feel the weight of my life get heavier and heavier, it has reached a level that borders on insane. This is why I have decided to blog something, anything everyday. Not because I am one of those fruity people that think everyone in cyberspace is chomping at the bit to be let in on my every thought and bowel movement(if I ever get to that point promise you'll shoot me-no warning: just POW) but because I'm hoping it will help keep me honest. If I can pull this off then maybe developing a little bit of follow through will rub off onto other places. Like my whole freakin' life.

P.S. I guess I should clarify something. By everyday I meant 5 days a week. Not because I am trying to give myself an out(oh how you know me!)but because let's be honest here-my access to the computer on some days; mostly weekends, is on an emergency basis only. Seriously. It has to be a BIG emergency.

P.P.S. Before you ask-the answer is yes. There will be this many run-on sentences and a complete lack of caring for proper grammar.

Happy Whatever

2011-11-24T16:32:00.000-07:00

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Now that we have that out of the way, let's get down to what most of you have been waiting for. Christmas traditions. In an effort to get over my Scrooge tendencies I have been trying to come up with some REALLY worthwhile traditions. Here is the one we're starting with tomorrow. The Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of Santa Claus. It may be my new favorite thing about the holidays. If you're having a hard time scrounging up some holiday spirit-here is your fix. Trust me on this one.

A Letter

2011-11-11T10:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Internet,

I missed you. Terribly. You have turned me into one of those losers that can't function without their computer for even a day. I hate you for that but please don't hold it against me because I love you sooo much. Please don't say anything to my husband about our realtionship and I will promise to never abandon you again. Kisses.

Love,

Rob Zombie - Scum of the earth

2011-10-31T12:45:00.000-06:00

Went looking for a different Rob zombie song and happened upon this. It's a Halloween miracle. Best mash-up EVER! I almost never share YouTube crap but there was no way I could keep this one to myself. Seriously. How have I not watched this until now? What a waste of 4 years. If we all watched this every morning, the world would be a better place. And if you don't like Zim or Rob Zombie-you need to tweak your meds a bit. Just sayin'.

Thanks are in order

2011-10-03T10:20:00.000-06:00

Last week, I got a little tired of the same ol' same ol' on the 80's XM channel and had to switch to the ALL 90'S ALL THE TIME! channel. As a result, not only am I still "dope on the floor and magic on the mike" but also still know where to chime in with "Donny D's on the backup. So put the crack up!". Thank you MC Hammer and Marky Mark for keeping that space in my brain occupied. It's not like I needed it.

Oh ye of little faith

2011-09-06T14:17:00.000-06:00

Dear Jeff,
     Please accept apologies for my lack of faith in your ability to close the deal today. I lost sight of your history making awsomeness and changed the channel to Return of the Jedi. For that I am sorry. But, to borrow from Mrs. Bennet, "have you no consideration for my nerves?". If you can't keep yourself out of situations that make me feel near to stroking out every weekend, you must accept some of the blame yourself. I will celebrate your victory after my heart palpitations subside a little.

                                          Sincerely,
                                                    Shauna

Cheese is good.

2011-09-02T19:02:00.000-06:00

It's September people. If you shake your head and ask me where the year has gone I will have to hurt you. I hope you got all your summer fun in 'cause it's in the bag. Done. Finito. Time to make your list and check it twice. Numero uno on your list should read: #1-watch movie recommended by Shauna. She is cool and wouldn't steer me wrong and is worthy of my adoration.

I'm proud of you for trying to live your life right. As it happens I just watched(again) the perfect choice for you and the kiddies to usher your summer out right.

It's a little cheese oozing gem called Roller Boogie. Straight outta 1979 for your viewing pleasure. If you like short shorts, tight tops, roller skating, bad hair and Dick Van Patten's son yelling "Let's get the goons with the fruit!" then you have to watch this. Even if you don't like those things, watch it anyway. Seriously cheesetastic. Heavy on the cheese. I hate to use that overdone phrase but in this case I just can't help myself. It stars an all grown up Linda Blair and a guy named Jim Bray who, once you get a load of his chompers you will realize that he is aptly named. I know that sounds mean but, bray indeed. After that you will start to wonder if he isn't a little um, handicapped due to his slow delivery until you look him up and find out he was a national champion in competitive roller skate dancing or something(oh seventies! you silly. What were you thinking?) and should just get points for trying.

Trust me. From the opening credits with a guy and girl making out on a garbage dumpster to the mean Saturday Night Fever suited developer and Sgt. Danner whose blue short shorts, blue cap and white t-shirt with LAPD ironed over the pocket let you know he's a REAL cop, Roller Boogie will grab you by the shirt front and make you laugh until you pee. How can you go wrong with a pudgy wristed flute prodigy that really just wants to win the roller boogie contest, her busty friend nicknamed 'Twin Peaks", an emotional solo roller dance to cheer up the drunken roller rink owner, more sweet leotards than you can shake a stick at-with nary a bra in sight and lines like "So I'm a musical prodigy! Whatta drag! Whatta bummer!" how can you go wrong? You can't. So get everybody together and just watch it. Your children will love you and your In-laws will hate you a little less for it.

Whew!

2011-08-05T20:56:00.000-06:00

Was listening to the ALL 80'S ALL THE TIME! channel on the way home from the grocey store today. I was vastly relieved to discover that I still know all of the words to Should've Known Better by Richard Marx. I have to admit to more than a few sleepless nights spent in the worry that all of the Richard Marx related information in my brain had been starting to fade. Not getting any younger you know. But, whew! What a relief!

The Beginning of the End

2011-08-03T03:22:00.001-06:00

Dude. August. Countdown to the start of school or end of summer. Same thing. Once you start to worry about school supplies, you may as well kiss your days of freedom goodbye my friend. In keeping with that theme, I have compiled your Complete Playlist to Usher in the Last Days of Summer/Start of School. Trust me. This will make all those end of Summer activities even sweeter and that school prep less onerous.

1. Metallica-Fuel

Because you can't start anything properly unless you have ROCKED! What are you thinking?

2.Rupert Holmes-The Pina Colada Song

Cheesy? Yes. Summery and Irresistible? Hell Yes. So, get off your high horse and listen to it and go drink a Pina Colada .

3. Amy Winehouse-Rehab

Nobody should die that young and it's a great song and well, you wish she woulda gone until it stuck.

4. Beastie Boys-Make Some Noise

It's the Beastie Boys. Duh. And this song would make the Pope feel the need to get funky.

5. Wham-Freedom

Try not giggle when George Michael sings "Girl all I want right now is you". I don't think so. Unless he wants some bail money and a ride to his boyfriend's house.

6. Eric Clapton-I've got a Rock N Roll Heart

You've got to cleanse your palate with something and Hello?!? it's Clapton.

7.Rob Zombie-What

Prove you've got a rock n roll heart in the weirdest way possible.

8. Chris Isaak-Baby Did a Bad Bad Thing

Just hearing him say it once will convince you that you still have time to squeeze in a bad thing or two before it's all said and done.

9.Zac Brown Band-Free

Take a breather(preferably in a hammock or the like) and let the violins and Zac Brown's mellow vocals in this one get you ready for the next volley.

10. Pit Bull-Shake Senora

Yeah. He's a little dirty. But if you can hear "move that ___ like chitty chitty bang bang" and not shake your moneymaker, you're probably dead. Or my mother.

11. Jackyl-The Lumberjack

I know. Another blast from the past but I have one thing to say. Chainsaw baby. 'Nuff said.

12. Adele-Rumour Has It

Yes. I spelled it right. She's British, dummy. Also the best song off of one of the best albums of the year. You'll hand clap your way through all of those dressing rooms with the kids.

13. Enrique Iglesias-Dirty Dancer

I don't care how old you are. This song will make you realize two things. 1-anyone can be a dirty dancer if they listen to the right song and 2-yum.

14. LMFAO-Party Rock Anthem

If this one doesn't make you shake your groove thing until it falls off, well, you need to just take your toys and go home. Now.

15. Foo Fighters-Rope

Go out the ONLY way there is to go. Air guitar and yelling "Yeow" at the top of your lungs along with Dave Grohl.

Now don't you feel better? All I can say now is, Rinse and Repeat.

Another good one

2011-07-05T16:00:00.000-06:00

In the interest of full disclosure I must admit to finishing another terrible novel. Stayed up intil 1 a.m. to do it too. Then couldn't get to sleep due to the deep well of shame and horror in which I was dwelling at that point. This addiction stuff is hard on a person. A few fun facts to add to my store of knowledge:

1.In 19th century England they only used the word chit to describe any female between the ages of 8-60. Numbers don't lie. 22 times in one book. Twice in one paragraph.

2. Any man not completely besotted with his wife had the morals of a really perverted, very slutty alley cat.

3.If a man doesn't turn pale, shake and become tongue-tied when he sees you, you're hideous. Accept it and move on.

4. If you do find yourself in the aforementioned state of absolute hideousness, all you need to change it is a new dress that shows more cleavage and some new underwear.

5. The only men worth having are the severely damaged ones you have to fix. The rest are really boring or mean mean mean.

6. All pretty girls have horrible personalities AND slightly less moral fiber than the man mentioned in #2.

7. Fear not; no matter how reprehensible your behavior, true love will save you.

8. Poor people have more WAY more pride than rich people.

9. If you were an even remotely attractive lady in the 19th century, you had been kidnapped at least twice by your 21st birthday and could plan on being propositioned 4-5 times a day.

10. Aproximately 95% of English aristocrats were very concerned with the welfare of their servants and treated them like family. Even to the point of giving them money for no good reason.

Lessons

2011-06-10T10:15:00.000-06:00

Now that I am starting to recover from the spiral of shame my earlier confession brought on, I have been wondering if I should be taking a different approach to my little "problem". Find the silver lining as it were. If I could find something worthwhile to be gleaned from these so called "books" then my compulsion could just be looked on as another way to keep my brain from aging. You know what they say-Never stop learning! To this end I have been reflecting on the book to which I alluded a few days ago. A few things I learned from To Tempt a Texan:

1.Yelling "calf-rope" means surrender to a Texan. I know I got this one right because it was mentioned at least 75 times. Also something Texans NEVER do. Ever.

2. The only way any respectable woman makes any reference to booze is by calling it demon rum and repeating the phrase "lips that touch liquor shall never touch mine".

3. Apparently, you can take the gal out of Texas but you can't take Texas out of the gal.

4. If you're clever, the only possible name for a cook on a ranch is Cookie.

5. You can get a man to do absolutely ANYTHING if you withhold sex and/or the possibility of seeing cleavage when they drink beer. I wish somebody had told me this one 15 years ago.

6. All prostitutes in the Old West were really just nice girls with hearts of gold that bathe all the time and don't like dirty cowboys.

7. It isn't possible to use the word loco too many times when writing dialogue. This will come in handy if I ever write my own novel.

8. The only prostitute in the Old West that didn't have a heart of gold was dirty and constantly walked around in a soiled wrapper.

9. All saloon owners really are just well behaved gentlemen that secretly yearn to be artists.

10. All librarians are unattractive old maids that do nothing but fantasize about being seduced by handsome rogues.

11. If you are a proper lady and you wish to convey your displeasure with something, the only option to you would be to say, "outrageous!" or "disgusting!'. All. The. Time.

12. You can tell if someone is speaking English as a second language because they will always say "yes?" at the end of every sentence.

13. Texans are stubborn. It bears repeating. Over and over and over... and over and over again.

My 12 steps

2011-06-08T08:36:00.002-06:00

Hello. Feels good to finally be here. I'm Shauna and I am a compulsive book finisher. Thank you. I realized this week that it is time to admit I have a problem. I hit bottom this week reading a bathtub book. Sorry. I'll back up. FYI, when I am feeling too creaky I spend a decent amount of time in the bath. This can get very boring so I go to the D.I. or whatever and get cheap books to read. The rules on bathtub books are as follows : 1-They must be cheap. 2-They must be light enough to allow me to hold them for long periods of time. 3-They must(most importantly) be the kind of book that I can drop in the water and just move onto the next one in the pile without too much concern. I try to avoid the seriously bad ones like Harlequins and the like but will admit to reading some that are so bad they make me laugh. It was this week that I realized I have allowed this habit to go too far. This particular bathtub book was not laughably bad, just bad. I started it in the bath one night but found that I had this compulsion to finish it the next day. Now with a book that size it should have been a few hours at most. It took me 2 more days to laboriously work through it. This is when I realized I had really hit bottom. If I couldn't stop myself from finishing this piece of drivel then what was next? Harlequins with titles like The Sheik's Virgin Bride? Where would I allow myself to go from there? Inspirational romances? Self-help books? Joyce Carol Oates? Or, heaven help me, Oprah's Book Club? Shudder. So here I am to confess and ask for your help in working my way through some of the 12 steps to Walking Away from Bad Literature.

2011-02-25T17:13:00.000-07:00

Just had a huge temper tantrum at the boys and threw all of their school crap in their room. Now I know why 2 year olds do it. It felt good! As I tell you this, I am aware that this is not something you should tell emotionally mature, adult type people. But, since I am little more than a giant toddler myself and regressing further each year, I'm fine with this confession. I still haven't decided whether or not I will run in, wildly hit them and go hide under the bed.

Best Day Ever!

2011-02-17T15:52:00.000-07:00

Today has been a pretty typical day for me. I woke up feeling kinda sloshy in my head so I took a decongestant. Except I took a decogestant without realizing it had diphenhydramine in it. Who knew. If you know me, you know that I can't take diphenhydramine if I want to be coherent at all. So-instead of vacuuming the living room and going to Emily's for a nice little visit, I ended up passed out on the couch. I was so out of it that my sister called the house and I didn't even know it. Anyway, to make a long story short(too late!) I was a little spaced when I took the dog out to potty. I was waiting for her to do her business, just looking around-when I look down to see what is taking so long. And discover that the dog has sniffed out a flattened mouse that has probably been there for months because the whole back yard was still snowy and frozen over until this week when the nice warm temps turned it into a big lake. Said mouse is now in her mouth and she is happily chomping away. The only thing I could see was the tail hanging down. Yum. So there I am-looking around like someone is going to jump out of the bushes and offer to take care of this for me. When that doesn't happen I tell the dog to LEAVE IT! She is still a puppy and is not very good at leaving things alone. Especially something she really wants. She had been obsessively sniffing in this same spot since things started to melt so I'm thinking she REALLY wanted that mouse by now. I grab her jaw and make her drop it but she gets it back in her mouth before I can take it. We do this comedy routine 2 or 3 more times until I realize there is only one option open to me. I grab the tail that is hanging out and give it a yank. The only thing that happens is that my fingers slide right off. And, now they're covered in mud and 3 month old mouse slime. So I grab it more firmly and wrap the nasty tail around my fingers and pull as hard as I can. That worked. But now I'm standing in my muddy back yard holding a distinctly funky old flat mouse. I throw the dog in the dog run, muddy paws be darned; and make my way over to the trash can and chuck it in. The dog got an extra 15 minutes of outside time while I scrubbed my fingers with every soap in the house and debated with myself as to whether or not I should just cut off the tips of my fingers because I'll never be able to eat with them again. Don't feel bad for the dog though. She got a nice little piece of skin to enjoy while I was in the house. I think we can put this one down in the best day ever journal.

2011-01-24T21:27:00.000-07:00

I attended a funeral last Saturday and, of course, the inevitable discussions about death followed. With Emily as usual. Being as morbid as we are, we have talked about dying countless times so that was nothing unusual but it got me thinking. Yes, it did hurt. But only a little bit. I got to thinking about the interesting demands people make when they talk about their death. Yes, I said death. I have never liked tip-toeing around the idea by trying to use "nice" words. Death, in and of itself isn't nice, so there is no use in trying to gussy it up by saying passed away or any of that nonsense. Dead, kicked the bucket, bought the farm, bit the dust, ate it, whatever phrase you want to use is fine with me. It is what it is. Anyway, there are people that insist on being cremated. There are people that insist on NOT being cremated. They want to be buried next to their spouse or they can't stand the idea of being buried on top of or under someone. And then there is the funeral. They want this song or that song. Tell so-and-so they can't come. Make sure so-and-so is there. Don't have a viewing. Have a viewing. Make sure I'm in clean underwear. Make sure it's happy. Make sure it's sad. I've even done it myself. Here is the magic secret to all of it-You're dead! You don't know the difference! Whomever you've left behind that loves you or even just gave a crap, it's up to them. Whatever they need to make them feel like they have said a proper goodbye is what needs to happen. So, it turns out I don't care if they burn me or bury me. I don't care if they put cowboy boots and a bathrobe on me and prop me in the corner. Bury me naked so you can pawn my clothes. If they could get away with it, I'd tell them to bury me in the back yard because it's cheaper. Even though I must admit I still can't stand the thought of everyone (And by every one I mean the three people that let the guilt win and showed up) standing up and talking about me like I'm Mother Teresa instead of admitting I could be kind of bitchy, I hated people and I cursed at my kids and pretty much everyone else that cared to listen. But that rant can wait until another time.

Merry Christmas!?!

2010-12-25T13:40:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, Christmas. That magical holiday. Also one of my favs as you may well know. Now that we have made it through the all important CHRISTMAS MORNING, I have had time to reflect on what makes Christmas so great. In no particular order, my little list of the best holiday traditions-

The annual doing of the Christmas laundry because you haven't had time to do anything normal for a week.

Being forced to listen until your ears bleed to Christmas music sung by talentless hacks that are only trying to cash in on the holidays.

The annual fighting of the children when the lack of sleep kicks in.

The annual cursing at the children because you stayed up until 2:00 a.m. wrapping presents and filling socks and you're too tired to take their crap.

The annual picking up of the approximately 50,000 pices of trash all over the house.

The annual cleaning of the Kitten puke because you inevitably miss a few hundred or so and they decided it looked like something to choke on.

The annual paranoia from knowing the dog got at least 2 pieces of chocolate that the kids left around and is going to have diarrhea in the most inconvenient place possible.

The annual running out of ibuprofen due to the fact that you've had a month-long headache.

The annual nervous breakdown brought on by your 4:00 sugar crash and REALLY needing that promised nap that never materialized.

The 7 1/2 pounds you gained by managing to eat nothing but chocolate and/or cookies for breakfast and lunch for the last week.

The annual fist-fight of the children when the second wind wears off and they realize they hate each other.

The annual crying of the children when the 4:30 sugar crash hits and they realize you have ruined their life by not caring unless they can show you copious amounts of blood.

The annual reconciling of the Christmas bills.

and last but not least,

The annual realization that you have to do it ALL again in 12 short months.

Rant

2010-07-01T09:34:00.003-06:00

Team Edward or Team Jacob. Hmmm. Really people? This is the best you've got? So, I have to choose between the pasty, malnourished British guy that usually looks(and I'm positive smells) like he slept under a box at the train station or some barely legal supposed stud muffin with more teeth than two horses put together and probably a propensity to bite you with 'em because he's just out of the nursery. Both of which are supposed to be running after one of the homeliest people on screen today(we won't even mention the case of oral diarrhea she can't quite shake.) Oh. Oh Wow. Maybe we should add a peg-legged pirate with 3 teeth and oh, I don't know, an asthmatic twelve year old chess wiz to the line up to make it even harder to pick. I know, I know, since I AM a woman of a certain age, I am supposed to be running after these boys like they're hiding estrogen pills in their underwear or something but I just can't work it up. Sorry. You're on your own. Can we have a third team? How about Team I am going to puke on your shoes if I have to hear any more Twilight crap. And, since we have to have 2 teams how about Team Stephanie Meyer shouldn't come out to play until she has taken a writing class or two. Now those are some teams I can get behind.

2010-06-29T13:40:00.002-06:00

Damn you Katy Perry and your irresistible pop hooks!!!

Pop Quiz

2010-05-18T16:18:00.004-06:00

Showering by the light of one not very bright, kinda crappy candle is:

A. a good way to break your leg
B. better than a party
C. a good way to still be dirty at the end of a shower
D. making the best of a bad situation
E. a good way to burn down the house
F. all of the above

Earth Day

2010-04-22T21:25:00.002-06:00

New Earth Day policy: Every time someone tries to shove more political tree hugging Earth day crap down my throat, I am going to go out directly and kick a tree. Really hard. Sorry Earth. I actually do believe in taking care of you and all but you shouldn't be so damned pushy about it.

Sweet

2009-08-07T12:55:00.002-06:00

It's an incredible, journal worthy moment when the realization washes over you that you have created the nuturing kind of home environment that FBI profilers tag as being perfect for raising serial killers.

What

2009-07-03T04:49:00.002-06:00

Up at three to help bundle the kids into the car for their trip out west. Now that Tim has taken the kids off to the land of sun and morons (excepting the in-laws of course), I find myself in a pickle. If it's 4:30 in the morning and you can't sleep and you've got the house to yourself, what do you do? Do I watch Rutger Hauer harangue Mathew Broderick in the last half of Ladyhawke? Try to catch all of the tattooed freaks on True Life: I'm Bisexual on MTV? Do I start on the DumDums until all 50 or so are gone just because no will know that I did? Do I eat boiled eggs and old bananas until they're gone because no one else is here to do it for me? Do I clean the kitchen even though I would have to invite the neighbors over so that I had witnesses to that fact that I actually did housework? Do I take all of the quizzes on Facebook so that I'll finally know what Smurf I am and whether or not I'm a true american/utahn/80's trivia genius? What to do? What to do? I guess I'll go lay on the couch and stare at the ceiling until it comes to me. Because I can.

Ahhh. Summer.

2009-06-12T11:39:00.003-06:00

Now that we have a couple weeks of summer under our belts, I thought I would let you all know how awsome ours has been. Of course it's been great. Everyone knows my favorite thing to do is to be trapped in the house with all 4 of the kids for 10 weeks. Hopefully yours is going along as well as ours. But, if you're not sure, I have jotted down a few things that I have noticed along the way to help you out. Not from my experience obviously. Someone else's.

8 signs you and/or your children might not make it to the end of summer:

-You're pretty sure someone has tacked on at least 3 more days at the end of the week to make it longer.

-You've managed to spend more than the GNP of Zimbabwe consuming Pepsi/Coke products.

-Your children think you've developed chronic diarrhea because they have found you locked in the bathroom at least four times before lunch.

-You've already pulled into a gas station and told at least 50% of your children to get out of the *#@&*#@!! car and find another way home.

-You start to think your homeschooling neighbor isn't just someone who makes "interesting choices" but seems to be a dangerous lunatic that should be avoided and needs to seek immediate mental help.

-Even your backfat thinks you've been eating way too much chocolate for breakfast.

-You fall down more than twice while putting on your pants due to the fact that you've been getting dressed in the closet with the door shut so your kids can't tell if you're awake.

-You feign a knee/hip/ankle injury so that you have a legitimate reason not to investigate where all of the screaming is coming from. Again.

Warning: Some content not suitable for optimists

2009-05-07T20:05:00.004-06:00

In keeping with the fast approaching holiday, I wanted to make sure I took the opportunity to wish Happy Mother's Day! to all of the suckers out there living in Goody Goody Gumdrops Land who think it's a great chance for your family to show you how much they TRULY appreciate all you do. To all of the realists out there who know that it's REALLY a made up day for your family to have a cheap way to keep you in line so you'll keep being the family bi... (well, lets just say whipping boy-this is a family show after all) and pretend to understand how much you do and then feel better about themselves the rest of the year when they take you for granted, I hear you sister-kudos for keepin' it real. And to all of you suckers, well, call me when you tell yourself the truth. We'll talk. It'll be okay.

Just a thought for a good day...

2009-04-25T11:59:00.002-06:00

As I load my little pillow and blankie into the wheelbarrow so that I can curl up into a ball in the corner of the leaky shed, the thought occurs to me-that guy in India that was caught selling of his kid-he's not a bad guy-he's just a whole lot smarter than I am.

The fear

2009-04-15T15:02:00.001-06:00

Well, I may as well confess. I have been doing the bare minimum (no, not wearing the bare minimum you perv. That's just gross.) amount of laundry that I can get away with and still have mostly dressed children. As you can imagine, it is pretty ugly down in the pit of hell (aka the laundry room). Earlier, I was doing the big sort. You know the big sort. The sort you have to do just to find the washing machine before you actually SORT the laundry. Anyway, I had been trying to sort as quickly as possible so it was awhile before I noticed I had been doing something no one should EVER do. I had been touching all of the underwear that was mixed in with the other clothes and I wasn't ONLY TOUCHING IT BY THE WAISTBAND!!! Oh dear, now THE FEAR sets in and the questions begin. What if I touched the stinky butt part? How many times? What if it had been in somebody's crack? Did they sweat? Did I touch anything before I washed my hands? Should I wash my hands again? Can you boil your hands? I smell something odd. Is it my hands? What if everybody can tell? Why is everyone staring at me? Can they tell I now suffer from butt-finger? Will I be ever be able to eat again? How am I going to sort the rest of the laundry? How long would it take if I used tongs? Do my fingers look a little green?
This is what I get for making fun of all of the little quirks that my sisters inherited from the parents that I seem to have escaped. Karma sucks. So does laundry. I have to stop typing now. My fingers are cramping up from trying to type through the oven mitts.

Complaint of the day

2009-03-30T12:27:00.002-06:00

I just watched the movie Appaloosa. It has Ed Harris, Viggo Mortensen and Renee Zellwegger(sp?) in it. It was one of the most boring movies I have ever seen. Tim said he wanted to check it out and I like the guy that wrote the book it was based on and it got decent reviews so I thought, why not? Bad call. The older Renee Zellwegger gets the more and more she looks like a deranged chipmunk. By the end of the movie I was hissing and throwing my arm up in front of me like Dracula being exposed to sunlight every time she came on. I thought I could handle Viggo Mortensen but I was wrong. Have you ever noticed how beady his eyes are? Just like a little accountant. The only reason he looked good in the LOTR was because his hair and beard helped hide them (that, and who wouldn't look more manly and attractive next to the half girl Orlando Bloom?). The last straw was Jeremy Irons. I forgot he was in it. He is so stringy and creepy. Lest you think I am judging him harshly, let me direct you to a little movie called Damages. Ugh. Actually, I lied. The LAST straw was the lame story and meandering plotting and the stupid dialogue. The only reason I am not as irritated as I could be is that I at least got all of Tim's stupid 100% cotton work shirts ironed for the week while we were trapped by this drivel for 2 hours. And no- I couldn't just turn it off. Tim wouldn't let me. I asked.

This fun sounding thingy

2009-03-25T12:30:00.002-06:00

I saw this on Krysta's blog and thought it sounded like fun. I just copied and pasted it from her blog(thanks for the free labor Krys!). I made a few minor adjustment though. I didn't title it Pay It Forward because that movie sucked. Also, you have to be one of the first three to leave a comment complimenting me on my supreme back fat to get your crappy prize. Admit it, if I make it-it will be crooked and smell like old cheese. Do this, all of my blogging friends!

1. Be one of the first THREE bloggers to leave a comment on this post and it entitles you to a handmade item from me (hooray for handmade!).

2. If you are one of the first three to make a comment, you are a winner! And you then agree to post this challenge on your own blog, meaning that you will pay it forward, creating a handmade gift -anything!- for the first THREE bloggers who leave a comment on YOUR post about this giveaway!

3. The gift that you send to your 3 friends can be from any price range and you have 365 days to make/ship your item. Remember it’s the spirit and the thought that count!

4. When you receive your gift, blog about it! If you are not one of the first three to comment on this post, you can still play along. Go ahead and start your own Pay It Forward chain, and encourage your blogging friends to do the same! It's all about paying it forward. Enjoy!!!!!!!!

25 dumb boring things

2009-02-06T12:45:00.004-07:00

I got tagged with this thing on facebook. It's full of stuff you should already know. After you are done, you are supposed to tag 25 more people but I am such a losser that I don't have that many friends. That is why I pasted it over here and now I am tagging all of you! Ha ha! It's too late. You've already read this so, get to it!

1. I love Coke/Pepsi/Mt. Dew whatever (Tim calls it the drink of life) more than my children on some days and, when very stressed, can consume mind boggling amounts of the stuff.
2. Mean people are funny.
3.I looove Nascar and can't even stand it when I miss all of the pre-race qualifying stuff that takes place days before the actual race.
4. I have a longstanding crush on Hugh Laurie and a new one on Mark Harmon. I like 'em mean, scruffy, ornery and talented apparently.
5. I love to scrapbook, paper craft etc... and would do it non-stop of I could manage it.
6.I read at least a couple of books a week and I read almost every kind of book I can get my hands on. Yes, even trashy romances. Some of them make me laugh so hard and you can read them in a couple of hours-what's not to love?
7. I listen to almost everything from Willie Nelson to AC/DC. Even Rap. I'm not a wuss like Annie. Go Public Enemy!
8. After all those years of complaining about Pleasant Grove, I love living in my little small town.
9. I curse like a truck driving sailor. In front of everybody but my sister Carey and my Dad and my perfect Bro.
10. I don't do strangers or even people I don't know well. (I also don't "do" strangers either but that's another list) I still don't know the name of my neighbor to the south of us and we have lived here almost 5 years. This is probably why I have had the same friends forever.
11. I still miss cigarettes on occasion and I still don't think they smell bad but don't tell my kids.
12. Just like Annie, I love coffee but, unlike Annie, I am pretty sure I am going to hell anyway so I drink it all the time.
13. I am a fiend with grammar but it goes completely by the wayside when I write a letter or e-mail or blogpost or something. Then I am the queen of run on sentences and the like.
14. I talk too much and have a tendency to ramble. Loudly. Even when I am talking to myself.
15. I hate Christmas.
16. I am hands down the dumbest person in my family. I know people say that but it's true. I bet my husband has got 20 points on me and my kids are even worse than that.
17. I am a pop-culture junkie and have an embarrassing amount of really useless (unless you're playing trivial pursuit) crap stored in my noggin'.(hmmm...this might help explain my lack of extra I.Q. points)
18. I have been a night owl for as long as I can remember and would still stay up until 4 in the morning and sleep until one in the afternoon if I could work it out.
19. Even if I have had 10 hours of sleep the night before, I am utterly useless before noon and don't really hit my stride until 4 or 5 p.m.
20. I am a horrible procrastinator.
21. Even if I won a million dollars tomorrow, I would still not get a cell phone until Turner made me. I haven't missed mine once.
22. I think Mystery Science Theater 3000 is one of the best things ever and probably quote it at least several times a day.
23. I am not one of those people that thought they were destined for motherhood. I wasn't even sure I wanted kids until, well, until I found out I was preggers. I am pretty sure that my kids got hosed in that department and if it weren't for their awsome father they'd be therapist bound wrecks.
24. I don't get embarrased that easily.
25. Hate Hate Shoes. I wear flip flops all year long(even to church) and only own two completely closed toed pairs of shoes. Yes-my feet are like pale leather.

Sorry

2009-01-24T14:34:00.004-07:00

When you are a poor, jobless loser (like me) and you are slightly allergic to housecleaning (like me), it turns out you have some time on your hands. So-I will occasionally click on the blog of note when I am logging in to mine. You know-for curiosity sake if nothing else. I came across one called Clever Girl Goes Blog and then followed a few from her blog. Well, it also turns out that I am not smarty pants enough by half to be writing a blog. This is my apology to any of you who might have accidentally read some of my blog instead of one of the other ones that are so clever clever toilet lever.

I am sorry that:

I never refer to my husband as "the hubs"

I don't have a BFF main gay to write silly stories about and with whom to watch lame t.v. shows

I don't rant endlessly about my political obsessions

I don't compare my life to 80's movies like Sixteen Candles and the Breakfast Club

I don't obsess about how many people read my blog and why

I don't blog in nothing but one inch wide stream of consciousness blog entries

I don't post pictures of my dog, cat , parrot, fish, hamster etc... daily and then give them cutesy names and blog about their tummy troubles

I assume you don't want to hear about my hemorrhoids, hysterectomy, kidney stones, erectile dysfunction etc.. and therefore don't blog about it.

I don't write dark, intense, belly button gazing blog entries about how hard it is to be so cool

I have only posted one poem on my blog-apparently, I should be only blogging in poetry form

I am sure there are many more blogging transgressions for which I need to apologize but I need to go post some really embarrassing videos of me dancing to the Backstreet Boys or something to My Space now. Let me know what I missed and we'll get it next time.

Merry

2008-12-25T10:13:00.003-07:00

As I survey (with my rheumy, cold virus encrusted eye) the wreckage that was, just a short time ago, my living room, I feel the urgent need to wish a Happy Holiday to all of you fruitcakes out there who are still into that crap. It's probably the huge amounts of mucus and fluid filling up my lungs and making me woozier with every labored breath that makes me want to do this. Be grateful-because this is probably all you're gettin' due the fact that I haven't been able to talk since Saturday and have been so out of it I never made it to the post office with my stupid Christmas cards. Merry frickin' Christmas everybody.

An Open Letter

2008-12-18T15:12:00.003-07:00

Dear Christmas (and intrepid sidekick Winter Snow),

It was not too long ago that I would eagerly anticipate your

arrival and, by the same token find myself to be crestfallen

when it was time for you to take your sabbatical from

our lives. But, for some time now I have found you to be

extremely tiresome and to have permanently worn out

your welcome. I feel I would be remiss if I did not; with

the same enthusiasm with which I used to herald your

arrival, invite you(and usual accoutrement) to jump up my

flabby white butt.

With fervent hope that you be immediately replaced with

Valentine's Day and a cooling Autumn rain forever-

Sincerely,

your former friend-Shauna

Update

2008-11-18T12:59:00.004-07:00

Well, when life knocks you down and kicks you in the teeth with it's steel toed boots and then stomps on your kidney when you roll over-you don't get your blog updated because you are too busy spitting blood out onto the pavement. So-I am updating my blog for all of the naggers out there(Emily). Life sucks and then you die. Usually slowly and painfully and with poop in your pants because nobody will help you to the bathroom and with no pain meds to help you through because you are too poor to buy any and County General kicked you out and won't give you any more. So there.

Um

2008-10-14T13:36:00.003-06:00

Um, well, I don't exactly know how to tell you this but-I ate a whole package of Starburst for breakfast. While listening to Roxette and Sir Mix-A-Lot. Don't tell anyone about that last part. It may not be possible to live down. Especially because I can't get "My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hon." out of my head. Thanks.

Musings

2008-10-07T21:32:00.007-06:00

So- I haven't been getting much sleep lately. I usually don't when things get stressy around here. Or, to quote the Wu-tang Clan-when times are hard like leather. All I do is lay in bed or sit on the couch and all of this CRAP goes through my head and won't let me shut it off. And it is usually rattling around the next day which makes me a GREAT conversationalist-let me tell ya. So I am dumping some of it here in hopes of a more peaceful slumber tonight. And no, you big baby, I don't expect you to read it all. I still can't figure out what the hell you're doing here in the first place.

Is it the eighth sign of the apocalypse when you hear Whitesnake and Color Me Badd twice in one day?

How lame is my life that all it takes is a passing reference to Leonard Bast to make me inordinately happy for the rest of the day?(and if you don't know who that is, shame on you)

How many times can you re-watch the Ryan Reynolds parts in BladeTrinity before it makes you a pervert? Should I like that he gets stabbed just because it causes him to be shirtless almost the whole rest of the movie? Does this make me bad person?

I am going to hell because my husband(the truck driver!) has a cleaner mouth than I do? Or am I going to hell because I don't care?

Is it a sign of mental instability or good judgement that I have begun to fervently wish-every day-that every single one of the women driving SUV's, talking on cell phones and not even caring that they aren't the only ones on the road as they drop their kids off at Turner's school will be swallowed up by an enormous hole in the earth? As long as I promise not to laugh, am I still okay?

Do I really have to keep lying to people about what state I am from due to the enormous corn maze done in the likeness of David Archuletta? Can I at least go set fire to the part that says "Archuletta For President" and get this state back on the road to recovering at least a shred of it's dignity?

What if somebody finds out that I could give a ---- about the election in Nov? They're all the same guy. I could get drummed out of Utah(red, red everywhere) if anyone finds out that I think John McCain is Cuckoo Bird. Then if I have to take refuge in Califirnia they'll run me out on a rail when they find out that I think Barack Obama is a worthless spendthrift. And don't even get me started on stinkin' congress. Those bailout voting pieces of refuse. It did soooo much good eh?

-Well, that's enough for now-At least it's start-

Ahhh, memories

2008-09-15T15:22:00.004-06:00

So-this weekend, I got a phone call from a gal I went to High School with. Yes, I ended that sentence using with, I did say gal and no, I'm not telling you her name-for her protection of course. I don't know many people from high school that would claim to know me so-I don't want to out her-just in case. It appears that our 15 year class reunion is next Saturday. Kinda short notice but if Emily had wanted to go, I would have tried to rearrange things to accompany her but she would rather have a weenie roast, so there you go. As everybody knows, I'm always up for a good roasted weiner. In the flyer they sent out, if we're not going, we are encouraged to create a profile on Facebook so that everybody can catch up. Well, being the good little citizen that I am, I dutifully went on Facebook last night to check things out. Yes-shocking behavior for me but Tim was watching Sportsbeat-what else was I gonna do? Go to bed? But then what to my wondering eyes should appear? 3 pages of class of '93 to go see my dear. (That little bit of poetry is my gift to you. You're welcome.) Every profile with pictures of course! Thanks for not making me get out my yearbook to look you up because I can't remember who the hell you are beyond- I think that was the guy that always stared at my boobs or Oh that's right- he was on the football team and thought I couldn't know anything about football because I was a girl! Those knobs @ Facebook make you sign up if you want to see anything good, so I am now the proud owner of a brand spankin' new Facebook membership. I actually considered putting up pics like the rest of the class until I remembered that fat and old isn't such a hot look for me. Especially since I didn't see one person that looked like they knew what a donut tastes like. Um-hello! you're SUPPOSED to look worse fifteen years later! It looks like I'm the only one that got that memo (and then probably spilled my Coke on it. mmmmm Coke. with sugar. mmmmm) Maybe I should put up a picture of my torso just like the guy from CA that Tim and I found. I am sure my back fat is enough to impress even the most snobbish of old class chums. (you know- chum-as in we chummed the water to attract the sharks) Maybe I'll have to sleep on that one. No dummy, not my back fat. I sleep on that every night. Anyway-if you want to borrow my membership to laugh at people incognito- I'll send you my password. Just don't be surprised if all of your "add as friend" overtures are rejected.

Spiders, spiders everywhere

2008-09-02T22:02:00.002-06:00

WARNING!-Make sure you're eating lunch while you read this!
Tim is standing in the hall and calls me in to look at something. I walk down the hall and look down at the biggest stinkin' spider I have ever seen. Now, spiders don't normally bother me that much but this spider was HUGE! It was bigger than my whole thumb. It also looked really wierd. It looked like it should have been striped all over but instead, it looked kind of fuzzy-like it's back half was covered in black dotty bumps. Tim picks it up in a cup and drops it into the bathroom sink and as the spider starts to try to escape, all of these little baby spiders start to jump off of it and swarm around the sink. There must have been at least fifty of the little suckers. Tim says closer to 75. It doesn't matter how many there were-it was one of the coolest/grossest things I have ever seen in my life. I wish I could have gotten pics but I don't think the spider would have chilled out enough to give me time to go for the camera. I keep thinking about it every time I walk down the hall. If I don't have my glasses on, I wouldn't even see a spider before I stepped on it with my bare foot. Yum. For all of my spider loving sisters and friends out there, maybe you'll get lucky and have something this fun happen to you.

P.S. Don't be ridiculous. Of course the spider and it's numerous, disgusting babies got flushed down the sink. Don't tell PETA.

So busy.

2008-08-25T12:25:00.006-06:00

Sorry that it has been a while since I have updated but I have been finding a lot more things to keep me busy than I thought I would. Plus-the kids are back in school- which has allowed me to schedule in a few more things than I would otherwise. Besides keepin' it real, yo-I have found the time to:

-Find several vans that will work should I find myself looking for accommodations down by the river.

-Sort through all of the hotties from San Quentin on writeaprisoner.com so that I can find myself a man when Tim gets tired of my self-indulgent crap and tells me to hit the road. I think those guys make .33 cents an hour or something, so, that should help.

-Make a countdown calendar that helps me keep track of EXACTLY when the New Kids on the Block release their new album.

-Do a little investigating on Brett Michaels and his upcoming third incarnation of Rock of Love. It's going to take place on a TOUR BUS! I think they should call it Rock of Love 3: Ho's on a Bus.

-Buy a little notebook and keep painstakingly detailed notes on what the neighbors are up to.

-Spend the grocery money on new scrapbook stuff-
ME: "Kids! Look at mommy's fun things!"
THE KIDS: "But mommy, we're hungry!"
ME: "Don't be selfish!" (smack) "I made you ramen noodles yesterday! It's mommy's turn!"
THE KIDS: "Boo hoo hoo"
ME: "Whatever." (smack)

-Drive 44 mph down the highway when I go pick Turner up, just to piss. you. off.

-Make a pro-con list between watching Pam Anderson's new reality show or poking out my eyes with a hot poker.

Sorry, thats all I've got time for now. I REALLY need to finish watching the rest of THS Investigates:Love Behind Bars before Tim gets home and asks me what I did all day.

Helpful Hints

2008-06-27T22:29:00.000-06:00

As I gird up my loins (because really, nobody wants to see me with ungirded loins at my age) to go work my final shift at FMN(Forget Me Not), I have been reflecting on my experiences at the store as it was re-opened this week and here at home as I have started to deal with the shift back to a useless member of society. In the last 2 weeks I have learned a few things that I thought I should share. No, not because I am a shameless TMI(to much information) kind of person but because I am a selfless, caring kind of person that is willing to tell you these things in the hope of helping others. While wallowing in JLD(jobless loser depression-keep up with the acronyms people!) I have discovered:

Mainlining Wild Cherry Pepsi does help(albiet temporarily).

If it's on sale, people will do anything to get it.

Randomly cursing at inanimate objects around the house is always a good time and a nice stress reliever to boot.

Cheap frozen pizza is your friend.

It IS possible to play the PS2 until your hands cramp and you almost wet your pants and not feel like you have hit rock bottom.

Your husband will only tolerate so much whining and dirty dish avoiding before you find yourself locked out of the house.

ALL scrapbookers are a little off (yeah, me too).

THIS is why I wish Summer and all of it's attending irritations would crawl in a hole and DIE!

Kids WILL eat peanut butter sandwiches twice a day if you don't shower very frequently and look very very mean.

Also, if it's on sale, it will instantly seem 50 times more desirable than it was before.

Comparing your neighbors to the devil is not going to get you very far; heaven wise.

You CAN listen to Public Enemy with the volume at 75 and not go completely deaf.

After a certain amount of time as a JL, hookers do start to seem more just like creative entrepeneurs-you must remind yourself -THIS IS NOT TRUE!

After gaining all that Pepsi weight, you don't look so good in spandex hot-pants anyway.

There actually are whack-jobs out there that want to spend a mint on a huge die-cut machine and dies. These people should be avoided. They are crazier (and richer) than you.

When someone calls and asks you to be the Neighborhood Watch block leader-I don't care how much Coke you have had-just say NO!

That's all for now. I am positive there will be more. If you find even one or two hints helpful then my sharing will not have been in vain.

Hey buddy, can you spare a dime?

2008-06-16T23:29:00.000-06:00

So- it is with a heavy heart (and rear end) that I come to you tonight. I am officially jobless it seems. No- surprisingly enough, Rita didn't finally get fed up and give me the axe. Rita finally got fed up and is giving the whole store the axe. I am a little sadder than I thought I would be. (Though, obviously not too sad to be watching some 30ish crackhead on Intervention(on A&E) admit to his parents that he hasn't showered in 5 weeks and then get on his bike and speed over to one of his girlfriends house because she just bought $100 worth of crack. Did I mention the girlfriend appears to be betwen 60-70? Yum.) Anyway, as I was saying, how often do you find a job that you look forward to going to? One where even a bad day is a good day if you know what I mean. I don't think those kinds of jobs wander by with much frequency. This begs the question: Now that I am a jobless loser, what next? Am I psychotic enough to work at the Post Office like Tim wants me to? Do I go on the dole and start panhandling on the weekends? Do I embrace my unemployed state, eat Cheetos and watch t.v. from my couch until I become fused to it and have to be trucked out of my living room? Is is still profitable to shake down hookers on State Street? Is there any possible way to sue one of my former co-workers for sexual harrassment and win?(I'm thinking lewd notes in the back room here. What do you think?) With my supreme back-fat; is stripping even an option anymore? Do I just throw myself on the mercy of my husband despite the fact that I am now not pulling my weight? (except when I occasionally get off of the couch) Ah me, so many things to ponder, so little brain power. I'm off to bed to think (drink?) myself to sleep. I suspect I will find sleep a little elusive tonight with so many wonderful options in front of me. (well that and the fact that I just watched half of Wildest Dating Show Moments on E! and I can't stop throwing up in my mouth yet.)

P.S. Of course the smelly crackhead went to rehab. Don't lie. I know you've been wondering. No, they didn't make him shower before they put him on the cross country flight. Love it.

Okay

2008-06-10T12:52:00.000-06:00

Whatever.

ABC's of...CRAP!

2008-05-12T09:33:00.000-06:00

I decided that I had better get this ABC thingy done since Emily tagged me and I don't want her to hit or yell at me again. Here it is:

A- Attached or single: I prefer to keep all of my limbs attached, thanks you.
B- Best Friend: my pimp
C-Cake or Pie: Whatev. As long as it's not the kind with chocolate ex-lax.
D-Day: When the voices in my head stop screaming.
E- Essential Item: Edible underwear.
F-Favorite Color: The color of love and tenderness and fluffy baby bunnies.
G-Gummi Bears or Worms: gummy rats
H-Home town: Crazyopolis, on the corner of passive aggressive and overly emotional.
I- Indulgences: just a little crack smokin'
J- January or July?: What's so great about those? Why can't it be March vs September-or-The 17th of May vs the 13th of Nov.? Huh? Jerks.
K-Kids: Evil. Like the Devil.
L-Life is incomplete without: Coke/Pepsi and a nice set of matching back fat.
M- Marriage Date: All Hallows Eve.
N- Number of Siblings: I need a clarification here. Are we talking the ones my Mom gave birth to or the ones that I actually claim?
O- Oranges or Apples: Haven't you ever heard of fruit salad you elitist sob's?
P- Phobias or Fears: Mismatched paper colors, women that shave their armpits and legs, large chunks of cheese.
Q- Quote: "I wanna go pet the wounded goat!"
R- Reason To Smile: I haven't wet my pants again today.
T- Tag Three: If I had known we were playing tag, I would have worn different shoes.
U- Unknown Fact About Me: My sense of humor is painful to everyone but me and could possibly indicate mental instability. Surprise!
V- Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animal: Oppressor of animals-totally. PETA has been trying to get me to free my herd of pack kittens and puppies for years. I always lose a few each spring when we head up the mountain with all of my supplies.
X-Rays or Ultrasounds: I didn't know we got to just choose.
Y-Your favorite food: Jello shots,Tainted meat sandwiches and medium rare chicken-basted with sun brewed mayonaise.
Z: Zodiac Sign: Restroom For Customers Only.

Oh, Woe

2008-05-05T18:29:00.000-06:00

In keeping with the Master Plan of weeping and wailing and knashing of teeth, I submit my first(hopefully lucrative) tales of woe. Here are all of my reasons to be depressed this week. In list form of course-Why be original?

I managed to consume 56 ounces of Coke/Pepsi day before yesterday.

Turner heard me call her teacher a, well, a bad name. Let's leave it at that-shall we?

I just listened to a Billy Squire song. Yes, the whole thing. On purpose. No, it wasn't The Stroke.

I have been praying for David Archuleta to fall off of the American Idol stage and land on Paula Abdul. I don't even watch that show and I am unbelievably sick of him. Even if he is from Utah, do we really want to root for someone that could turn even an AC/DC song into elevator music if he sang it?

I made notes on scrapbook projects all through Relief Society yesterday. And then left early so I didn't have to listen to the testimonies. Hell, anyone?

I made fun of a really clueless lady at work. And enjoyed it.

I don't have matching towels in my bathroom. And won't have in the near future.

My neck resembles that of a turkey so much that I can rent myself out as a decoy during hunting season.

I deliberately avoided fulfilling my church calling this week because I. Didn't. Want. To. Once again, Hell anyone?

I can just feel the crushing depression lifting. Thanks for listening. After staring at the ceiling all night I'm sure I'll have a new list and will need your compassionate shoulder to cry on tomorrow.

Cash, checks and money orders are accepted.

The Plan

2008-05-01T09:47:00.000-06:00

The other day I saw this bit on the news about some chick here in Utah that has a blog that is pretty famous. She has even been on Good Morning America(woo woo!) or something. Well the story is that she was always depressed and crap and blogging helped her turn her life around. She used to be a member of the church but now she hates it because apparently we are all a bunch of judgmental jerks that won't ever support depressed people because it means you are evil or something. And her parents are mean and didn't like it and blah blah blah. But NOW she has her own website and she and her hubby live on the income that she gets from it. Oy. I feel like an idiot because all of these years whenever I have had a hard time I just figured out a way to deal and didn't make the world suffer with me. Man am I stupid. So- I have a new plan. I am abandoning the whole bad poems and rambling drivel blog. I am going to be sad and whiny about eveything and all of you are going to send me money. Thats right. From now on it's boo hoo all of the time. Except when I am counting my cash, obviously. Of course this chick doesn't just blog about depressed crap all of the time anymore but I need to start out the same way she did to get the goods in the end. Maybe I'll get lucky and my blog will get me fired fom my job like hers did and then I won't have to deal with the fact that I am mostly going to hell because of some of the things that I say and think about most of the people there. Wow. That last sentence was a doozy. Do they give out prizes for most rambly run on sentence? Thank (boo) you (hoo) for (waaa) your (waaa) support. That will be five dollars please.

Road Trip!

2008-04-17T16:40:00.000-06:00

On the road.
The view of my sad looking mug from the front passenger-side window. Magnificent!
The road again. A different one.
A random gully with people running from it.
A portrait of a foot in repose.

With the specter of spring break looming overhead, the idea of being stuck together for a week forced us to the open road and escape. We drove Highway 191 which links Highway 6(just above Helper) to whatever Highway runs through Duchesne-where we spent 30 hours waiting for them to bring us our food at a little place called Carlings Country Kitchen. Needless to say, we didn't actually dare to look in the kitchen. The waitress was a peach let me tell ya. You could tell she was really happy to be there serving us. It was super duper fun! Yea! I took pics of all the best parts for your enjoyment. Last one to the car is roadkill!!

Cutting back

2008-04-16T09:48:00.000-06:00

I have decided that I have no choice but to cut back a little on the booze. At least before bed. I can't handle many more dreams like the last few. They have been weighing heavily on my mind and I was hoping if I wrote about them here I could figure them out better. Everybody knows that unless it is a sexy dream about Bret Michaels and Donnie Wahlberg(We all know what that means Krysta!) everything in your dreams mean something. Everything.
In the first dream, I was in a large, rickety house and was using a HUGE piece of chalk to write words on the wall that kept getting increasingly smaller and smaller at a slant towards the bottom corner of the wall. When I was almost done someone came in to tell me that my Mom had recieved a letter from my crazy sister(2 pages-on parchment no less). In it she went on and on about how my Mom had ruined her life because she(my sister) had actually started out life as a small boy in a little village in Africa and she was upset because my Mom had made her grow up into what she was now. She had wanted to remain a little African boy and was going to sue my Mom. That was after the dream where I had to come up with 200 words that meant the same thing and started with w and all I could think of was the words who, what and where. Then last night I had a dream that was pretty much a parade of colored animals that kept bloating up with big huge pustules as they enlarged themselves. If I could draw you a picture of the bright purple porcupine, you would throw up a little in your mouth I am sure. So- I guess all I can do now is lay off the sauce and hope some psych student happens upon this, takes pity on me and helps me out. Because really, is there anyone more pitiable?

Food for Thought

2008-04-10T13:38:00.000-06:00

As you may well know, the author James Frey was in the news recently. His book, A Million Little Pieces was exposed as a work of fiction. When it came out a few years ago it was released as a true story. Apparently, he was going to submit it as a novel but didn't think anyone would buy it that way and decided to sell it as a memoir. I found a copy of the book at the D.I. for a buck and bought it. I have wanted to read it since it came out and was now intrigued because of all of the uproar about it. I just finished reading it this week. It is a gut wrenching, incredible book. It was one of those books that you read wide eyed and can't stop reading even though you may be uncomfortable or whatever. Here is the question then: Is it a more impressive feat to be able to write about these awful, unbelievable things without having gone through them first? Whether I liked the book or not is irrelevant. Does it truly matter that he didn't actually go through everything in the book? I can't quite decide what I think. Maybe if James Frey would trade me bank account balances for awhile I could clear my head and figure it out.

I'm crushing

2008-04-01T08:39:00.000-06:00

In the great tradition of bloggers everywhere I submit to you my list of go to boyfriends. The guys I am crushing on right now: (in no particular order)

Sorry, I am way too lazy to go find pics. So- you're on your own there.

1-KID ROCK

The long, stringy grease mop on his head is just the icing on the cake. How could you say no to a dirty wife beater, elvis shades and the smell of old cheese, gym socks and cigars? Plus, you know he'll probably make you ramen noodles before you go out and score a 40 of Natural Light at the 7-11.

2-TOM JONES
I saw a picture of him a while back and he is still lookin' pretty good for his age! He probably won't even notice if you take his car for a spin while he is down for his second daily nap. I sure can think of a few things to keep us occupied in between hip replacement surgeries! Two words: Ben Gay.

3-BRET MICHAELS

Maybe if I prove how much I love his morning breath smelling of cigs, vodka and beef jerky with a touch of Goldschlager, he'll let me scratch under his bandana wig of a nice Friday night.

4-SNOOP DOGG

The fact that he used to be a drug dealing pimp just adds to the appeal. It turns me on to always be wondering-If I object to the fact that he reeks of old smoked out bongs and never piks out his nappy fro, am I gonna get smacked upside the head?

5-TOM CRUISE

With his sallow skin and that wild, slightly off look in his eyes-how can you go wrong? I love it when he smiles to show off those enormous choppers. At any minute he could lose it and just start chomping away on my arm and then lecture me on the evils of anti-depressants while he spits out bits of cartilage. Thrilling.

6-FLAVOR FLAV

Despite the fact that I can't stand to watch the newest incarnation of his show, he is still on my list. You know he never removes his shiny grillz to brush so there are probably tidbits of food and cheap champagne residue to discover every time you kiss him. Every time I look at him I can just feel his skin under my fingertips. Mmmmm-just like a slightly greasy, bumpy leather armchair.

I accept your challenge!

2008-03-31T18:40:00.000-06:00

Or, in the words of the unforgettable Tom Servo while watching Devil Doll on Mystery Science Theater 3000; "I accept your mumbltypeg challenge Varelli!" So Krysta tagged anybody with this 7 things about me thingy. I accept her challenge and up the ante by giving you 10. Krysta said they are supposed to be interesting but read them anyway.

1-I would eat cold cereal 3 times a day and 4 on Sunday if I could get away with it.

2-I watch Mystery Science Theater 3000:Giant Spider Invasion probably once a month.

3-I kind of like most Neil Diamond songs.

4-I only do housework when it is an emergency.

5-I am utterly useless before noon.(not to mention grumpy and sometimes mean)

6-I would stay up until 4 A.M. every night if I could.

7-If I have the right book, I can stay in the bath for hours.

8-I think cursing is funny and do it WAY too much.

9-I can read really fast. Even faster than my smarty pants husband.

10-I am way too lazy to care if my bathroom towels match.

The test

2008-03-24T10:55:00.000-06:00

I swear that I do other things than watch reality t.v. crap. And I also swear to do my best to never mention it in a blog again. That being said, I think Rock of Love 2 has really taught me all I need to know to live my life the right way. And to think I nearly missed out on this important nugget of wisdom. I almost changed the channel because I couldn't handle watching that fake-lipped creep-fest Daisy crying all over the place because she still lives with her poser Nikki Sixx imitating ex-boyfriend. Not to mention the heebie-jeebies I was getting from the chick doing nude cart wheels on the lawn. After all the drama, Amber (the most normal seeming girl on the show-so she is probably a closet crack whore or is really a man or something) gave me the new scale on which I should judge the quality of my life. She said, "I'm not living with my ex-boyfriend, I didn't throw up in the trash can and I'm not a stripper. Yep. I'm good." When I am laying in bed at night, reviewing all of my mistakes of the day, this is what I should consider. If I can still say that none of these apply to me then I am going to consider my life going well indeed and sleep peacefully. I think I should make Tim use the same criteria so that we are on the same page. Now if I just forget the fact that this came from a chick that has had the good judgement to let Bret Michaels put his tongue in her mouth, everything will be perfect. Yep- I'm good.

P.S. Okay Granny, Nikki Sixx is the former coke fiend that also happens to be a member of Motley Crue. Jeez.

Celebrate!!!

2008-03-24T10:37:00.000-06:00

No-not Easter. That's over and there is still too much candy in my house. A better reason to celebrate-I am officially done with the mind and butt numbing torture-fest that is online traffic school. I even have a printed certificate to prove it. I am so glad that now I know better than to ever be Chatty Charlie, Randy Roadrage and Amanda Aggressive. What a relief! That's worth 65 bucks any day of the week!

I hate people!!!

2008-03-16T10:31:00.000-06:00

Alright. That's it. I do not get paid nearly enough to put up with the raving idiots that roam our fair Happy Valley. After the day I had at work yesterday, I am considering the whole living like the Uni bomber thing a little more favorably. You know how sometimes you can't think of a good comeback until after the person is gone? Well, I couldn't sleep last night so of course that is all I did. Here is my list of things I SHOULD have said:

1-I too am very proud that your Dad was in the Navy but
I don't need to have every battle recreated for me to help
you pick out the right blue paper.

2-Listen you cheap piece of crap, I don't care if you know
my boss. You still need to pay for
your own glue stick, scissors, chalk, paper etc...

3-I don't care how blond you are, how dark your fake tan
is, how much money you have or how busy you are. I
am still not making you 35 baby shower invitations you
lazy cow.

4-Whatever Grandma-the 80's channel is NOT hard Rock
and Roll. I don't care if Rita listens to Rascal Flatts.
Suck. It. Up.

5-Okay Porky, if you and your fat kid drop one more
goldfish cracker through the store, I am going to shove
the whole bag in a place a lot less pleasant than your
fat mouth.

6-It doesn't matter if you use a cutesy breathy voice
to interrupt me for the 10th time while I am helping
someone else, you are still being rude and should
consider cramming it in your cram hole next time
you want to ask me a stupid question.

7-Spending $32.00 on die cuts isn't the cheapest way to
scrapbook. However, it is the ugliest way.

8-No-I don't think your sticky snotty kid that has been
touching everything in the store and asking me idiotic
questions is precocious and adorable. I do think they
might be the missing link in the evolutionary chain and
that you need parenting lessons.

9-No-you colorblind freak show. I don't think those two
papers go together. If you don't want the truth, don't
ask.

10-Yes-dumba**. The store is closed. That's why the lights
and open sign are off and I am standing here with my
coat on and my purse over my shoulder. And-no, you
can't just grab a few things.

Now that I have my list assembled, I think I am going to keep a copy by the register so that maybe next Saturday goes a little smoother. I hope my boss doesn't mind.

Remember to blink

2008-03-13T20:56:00.000-06:00

Daylight savings time can kiss my sweet patoot. (FYI-patoot is another word for keister) And so can anyone who likes it or thinks it is a good idea or even feels ambivalent about it. This week I feel like I am starring in a Dawn of the Dead remake. How long can you sit on the couch and stare into space before your family should be concerned and/or very annoyed? I may get the answer to that before Sunday night. Maybe if I didn't drool so much it would buy me a little more time. If I don't get a decent amount of sleep soon, I am going to start sounding like Charlie Brown's teacher. I know. I know. That couldn't make this blog any worse but it might make it more difficult when I order pizza. I guess if I still can't sleep in the next week or so, I can finish the rest of my David Hasselhoff poetry book and post every last poem on this blog.....

A Mother's Sacrifice

2008-03-09T22:47:00.000-06:00

Since I can't seem to get any of my class work done and I have a Father's Day book and a Travel book to turn in; also since the little matter of cutting all of the crap for my card class on Tuesday hasn't been addressed I have been sitting in front of the t.v. all day. Maybe I have had too much practice writing run-on sentences. My apologies for that last one and all of the others that are sure to come. Let's be honest here. I am too stinkin' lazy to use proper punctuation. Proper punctuation is for snobs and wussies. So are paragraphs that make any kind of sense apparently. Feel free to sigh dramatically and turn away now. Instead of going to church, I watched the NASCAR race. Or as Tim put it-kneeling before the alter of the great Atlanta Motor Speedway. Yes. I am aware that I am going to Hell but maybe Jeff Gordon will be there too. It's not like he has been a regular church goer. This is my small secret hope. Anyhoo. After that was over the channel ended up on KBYU. Well-what should come on but Little House on The Prairie. UGH. All of the children had wandered in and seemed to be engrossed in the show so, being the considerate mother that I am, I couldn't just change it. I sat down and tried to ignore it as best I could. That lasted for all of 60 seconds before the cheese and sap started to invade my every pore and I couldn't shut it out. I am trapped on the couch, trying valiantly to ignore all of the snarky/and or filthy comments that have formed in my brain and are fighting to get out. Do you know how many ways you can twist Pa Ingalls saying to some guy, "Well, I'm in charge and you have to do what I say."? Trust me. Alot. Since I am sooooo tired and at that time only had about half a Pepsi, I am pretty sure that the fact that only two (two!) comments (neither of which were even remotely dirty)made it out of my mouth means I should at least get a pat on the back for such a sacrifice. What a Mother won't do for her children- I tell you. The kids wanted to watch the episode that came on after that one was over but I didn't think I could make it through 2 in a row. Not without a significant amount of booze or a network sponser with one of those little bleep buttons. Now to all of you that are reading this and preparing an e-mail to me listing the merits of Little House on the Prairie, I say- get over your sad sad childhood and watch something worthwhile-Like Rock of Love II.

Keeping Up With...

2008-03-07T07:54:00.000-07:00

Last night, after having wasted an extremely embarrassing amount of time looking at other blogs on this site, I came to the conclusion that 75% consist entirely of bad poetry and/or rambling drivel. Present company excepted of course! Far be it for me to do anything but run with the herd.(anybody not wanting to be compared to a cow, insert your own analogy here) So-with the handicap of being completely Pepsi/Coke free this morning(dangerous, dangerous), I submit my new poem. Maybe tomorrow I'll post some pictures of our latest adventure to the grocery store or some of the pictures from 1999 that document all of our favorite diaper rash ointment brands. Riveting!

I eat

my peas from the can

the tears

fall

the clown

enters and cries

with me

oh why

I ask the heavens

but no one

answers

it is left

for me

to ponder

Oh cruel

fate

Bret Michaels

sleeps

sleeps!

in his

bandanna wig

Pressure

2008-03-06T08:30:00.000-07:00

It is obvious that my boys helped me name my blog. I actually wanted to use The Dark Lord: Chuckles the Silly Piggy but Thomas wouldn't hear of it. What a bosser. I am not actually the blogging type but I started to feel the peer pressure alittle too heavily. I have so few friends that I can't afford to lose any so here I am. To be honest it was Krysta that made me do this. I can't afford to have her stop sending me stuff to read about ROL2.